life and lies, peace and love

BACK.

2011-07-14T01:21:00.001+08:00

So I don't know why I'm here again but it's just because I feel the need to justify Huayshan's efforts to clean the cobwebs off my tag box thing.

I'm back in Singapore now till 2nd Sept, and have been home for precisely a week. Been eating everything I like, which is great, but now I'm trying to force myself to run every day. Been seeing my family loads too at the expense of friends, which is a change, in I guess a good way, but will be seeing people soon too so that's grand.

Am relief teaching in VJ for h3 bio now too, which is fantastic because it's great pay and I feel like I'm actually helping and doing something useful and the teachers appreciate me!

Will put up photos the next time I'm here, which should hopefully be fairly soon. I just have to prepare some lesson material for school tomorrow! I'm actually doing work and sort of enjoying it, amazing.

Can't go on

2011-04-14T03:55:00.002+08:00

Such a deep dark secret that eats me alive. It's like the devil and a lover at the same time - I hate it, and yet I long to do it. It's really scaring me now though, I think she knows. And "she" isn't just anyone, my future might rest on her. It scares me. Yet I keep thinking of how to keep deceiving, instead of trying to stop this sick cycle.

But. Tomorrow's a new day. I will try, try, and try again. It's just a matter of self-control and distraction. Perhaps some productivity should help, God knows I need all those things.

What a wake up call. I can't keep lying, this has to stop. I can't wait for the day it does, then I can tell the world what it's like to survive through this.

Tomorrow's a new day, try, try and try again.

Sun??

2011-04-09T17:14:00.002+08:00

It's sunny in England now, which is great, and unusual. It's actually scorching in the afternoons, and too hot to run in. Which is not great because I am tubby.

Been at Chris's home all this while, and it's quite boring because there's not much to do which is great because I need to work. Quite nice to see how this family works - so different and so much better than mine. It's made me realise how spoilt I am and it's disgusting.

Revision-wise, it's really not going down well. I keep taking days off doing nothing but watching tv, and I try to run but that's not going good either because it's on a hill and that sucks, or so my excuse goes.

On the bright side, I bought a really great dress off Asos (again) and this ridiculously reduced massage deal thing in Hammersmith and I'm really really looking forward to it!! I was thinking of going just before my exams. Maybe being super relaxed is the way to get a first?

Lousy

2011-03-29T06:35:00.002+08:00

For the first time in a long time I feel so far beyond my depth and very much incompetent. Everyone, EVERYONE around me is so so so much cleverer, more organised, more disciplined, and does better.

And the worst thing is this just makes me retreat even further. I've slept 4 hours in the afternoon and it's now 11pm and I'm going straight back to sleep. I'm such a sore loser it's unbelievable. A shallow, weak, incompetent human being through and through.

Revision Holiday

2011-03-22T22:36:00.002+08:00

So I'm on my 7 week easter break and almost one and a half weeks are almost already over. I was planning on revision for my finals, but it's really not going very well. I am bored out of my mind, and procrastinating like only pro's know how.

Got kicked out of Chris's flat to his home, because I compete with him for the desk, all his food, and create a huge mess of clothes and books, and I don't clean up well. So I've been sent out to Wimbledon where under the watchful eye of the mother and dog, I try to be less of a skank.

Had a birthday night out last weekend and it was really fun! Glad that only the people I really liked came, and was very touched that some came all the way down from Oxford to London just for the night! And with a great haul of presents too which only people who know what I like would get for me. Which is so nice.

Spent the weekend before that up in Birmingham with HS and Peiying who came too and it was so so fun and great shopping and eating and company. I love these little random meetings with huayshan, I always massively look forward to them and it's very comforting to see her.

Also went for the VJ gathering at UCL, where I met so many people I've not seen for ages, really really nice. I love seeing people.

This weekend, a few friends and I have booked this cottage by the beach in Bournemouth, down south, where hopefully it'll be sunny and nice. Looking forward to that. Am really bored at the moment and I don't think I could take much more of RNA interference and shit anymore.

Depressed

2011-03-01T05:12:00.002+08:00

Just been really unproductive and unmotivated recently. I honestly miss having really filled up, structured, stressful days. I'm bored and it depresses me. I think I really need to run. Been having a problem that I utterly despise myself for, for the past very many months. It disgusts me. In half a year's time I really want to look back on this and think, what a right idiot I was.

Really need to be normal again, in every single way!

Sometime Around Midnight

2011-02-15T18:07:00.002+08:00

Yeah I'm one of those cool people who post song lyrics as titles.. yea. It's a really nice song actually, Sometime Around Midnight (is its title) by Airborne Toxic Event. One hit wonder, but sad and great.

Had crazy times of late. My mother came up to visit me for ten days, and she's just left now. It was really fun actually, she just got to experience every aspect of my life (but not any drinking or whatever, thankfully) here and tried to get on with all my friends, and went with them to college meals even when I was asleep or something. Brought me out to lots of nice places to eat, and as a result I've grown so used to that now I can't go back to my horrible daily food routines. I'm quite sick of my Olive's baguettes now, which as of a few minutes ago I could rave on eternally about.

Did basically no work at all for the entire of last week, and now I'm burdened with an essay due today and my project write-up, and seminar reading. Stuart's also making me go run with him in 45 mins. It's quite cold and I don't really want to but I'll definitely not regret it after all the endorphins.

Also, went for a massive shopping spree in Kingston with my mom and Chris's mom. Which was quite cringe because they're basically the same and can yak away for hours. At least I got my new boots (massive sale!!), skirt, gloves, lots of long cottony soft socks (I'm loving the over-knee socks look now, but then I need to run because you need really thin legs for that), and lots of asos shopping. Sometimes I like to think of myself as different from any other girl I know in terms of not being into shopping, or posting lots and lots of pictures of myself, or trying too hard to be pretty, but in the end I'm just the same.

I'm loving this year more and more actually, I've grown a lot closer to the people who matter to me, and the people who I'll be sharing life with next year. I was well worried about that, because next year it'll be so horrible with the people who I've become nearly family with will be leaving. That really sucks.

I can't believe I can write two whole lines in 2 hours. This is disturbing.

A Fat History

2011-01-22T00:51:00.003+08:00

Right. So after many many months of not really caring what I eat, I have only just realised that I am now fat again.

In case you didn't know, I used to be a lot fatter when I was younger, which isn't that long ago. Like back in secondary school my mom used to pick me up from Dunman High and I'd make her take me to Mac's drive thru' on the ECP on the way home, and I'd have 6 piece chicken nuggets meal with rootbeer ( not coke, hate coke ) and a 50 cents ice cream. Only things worth eating at Mac's. Oh with extra curry sauce, because there's never enough for both the nuggets and fries. Need at least 3.

That was like at least 3 times a week. On the days when we didn't, we'd go to Cedele at Frankel and have my favourite portobello mushroom sandwich (AMAZING) plus cake. Which really isn't that bad. But still, I never did any exercise then and was always fetched around like a fat spoiled princess. I think i probably weighed like 55-57kg back then. HEFTY. Haha I remember height and weight taking at PE - me, pearl tiffany and isa would freak out so so much and think of how to get lighter, including shaving our heads, plucking out some teeth..

So anyway I think in JC I stopped being a fat shit and I also discovered that I could run, and joined soccer. Got slightly thinner I think, was always about 50-53kg probably, but still, for my height, that's average I think. I'm like 161cm. Was still eating way too much i think, went to East Coast Lagoon too much with the brother ( he could finally drive ) and had our favourite Or Jian, as oily as anything can get, then ice cream from the mobile van after. Good times.

Thinnest I've probably ever been was in first year in Oxford - for some reason I just felt so grossed out by all the non-food in England. Just no variety and no taste, and I was just like urgh. I want to go home. And also I had to walk everywhere in horrid cold all the time, so although I didn't purposely run very much, I was late a lot, so inadvertently got quite thin, like about 46-48kg. Which was quite nice cos I just fit nicely into all the smallest sizes, and also I'm so short anyway I looked normal and not thin.

Oh thin thin thinest I've EVER been was probably in Nepal, where there was only veg and rice and soup. Although it was always fried, we were walking up and down freaking mountains a few times a week and being eaten alive by leeches, and also building a school using mountain rock and carrying gigantic planks of wood. Came home like 44-45kg, which was horrific for my standards cos I could see my hip bones and rib cage jutting out which I find disgusting. I was so happy though because that meant I could eat anything and everything! So my mom brought me to eat EVERYTHING i loved . It was amazing.

But since then I havent really thought much about it nor weighed myself ( can't find the scale, and can't be bothered ) but if I were to guess I'm probably 49, or 48 if I'm lucky. Though I was thinking I might try to go on a diet next week, just because I haven't done it in a very long time and I feel like I've been eating too much shit and need to be clean inside. So I've decided that next week I will try to eat really healthily, like no fried stuff or desserts, and also go for runs.

Excited, maybe I'll stop being fat!!!

Next 3 Years

2011-01-18T07:42:00.002+08:00

... of my life from September onwards to 2014 will be spent stuck in Oxford with hardly any holidays. Not that I'm complaining, lots of people are worrying about interviews and being chucked out right now so I should be glad. In fact one of my friends just made so much noise cheering that the Fellow downstairs came to shut us up.

But this calls for a few considerations:

1. As opposed to being in London, I won't see Chris as much
2. I will be stuck here with quite a lot of medics which I don't quite like
3. But at least some (like, 2) of my best friends are medics staying here as well
4. This tiny town will envelope me for 3 more years
5. Will not go home for Christmas, or almost at all, for the next few years, though this is true no matter where I did end up.

I suppose I could get used to it. In fact this holiday I didn't do the usual order ten dishes from the hawker centre because I'd miss hawker food, because I'm trying to get used to the idea of not being home. Sandwiches and chips ftw. Yeah.

Leaving for uni back in 08 wasn't that bad because I'd always be home in like 2 months, and for very long stretches of time. But when I next leave for Oxford in late August, it'll be like saying a real goodbye to my old life, one that served me well.

One thing I'm very blessed to have is Chris who's never far, though he's not exactly near but again, I could get used to that.

You could get used to everything, really, if you just blank your mind. Reading Harry Potter again and again helps too, because being angry at how annoying Harry is does distract you.

On a cheerful note, lots of fun things going on - Kayhwee's birthday, Stuart's birthday, Huayshan and Chris coming up this weekend, lots and lots of movie dates, then Laurianne's birthday next weekend and Chris and Afz are coming up again!!!!! And in the midst of all this I have a ridiculous amount of cancer essays to bash out and have to worry about my project writeup, extended essay, and other boring shit.

I'd much rather be sticking a catheter up someone's privates.

Violin

2011-01-10T21:03:00.000+08:00

I'm back in London, trying to work in Chris's flat. Met up with a few friends around town and it was nice to see Oxford people outside of the bubble.

Already depressed about going back to Oxford. I keep trying to think it's the same but it really isn't when Chris isn't there anymore. For the first time I'm truly alone, like everyone else. But I suppose it's quite good that I learn to be independent.

Anyhow, to brighten up this dead blog here's some pictures from the wedding and a very embarrassing video my uncle took.

Hanloong, Angie and Shane agreed to come
and Afzal braved the halal food.
My mother
Bride and Groom.
That's meant to be the tango from Scent of a Woman, with Al Pacino.

Was also really glad that Liesel came for the day wedding, it was just so nice to see her!!

Right. Back to regulation of translation and microRNAs. Sian.

Wedding

2011-01-02T15:22:00.002+08:00

So my sister got married yesterday. It was great, although this entire week has been manic, but with me mostly observing the mania in the house. My mother took it upon herself to bustle around doing everything that didn't need to be done, in complete hysteria. I don't really know till now what exactly needed to be done, when most things were organised by the boy's side.

But then there was the in-law problems that exaggerated things a lot and everything but always read into and it was, on the whole, very politically annoying. People really annoy me, I don't for shit's sake understand why people don't just speak what they think. Like,

"I think it's your fault Val and Alex are moving out" or "I see you're trying to take all the ang pows. Please feel free, I don't wish to lower myself to indignities" or simply "I think you're a demented old bat".

The world would be such a nicer place.

I played lots of violin, which was really enjoyable. Missed doing that, and making it sing however I want. Timothy, my great friend who I always do gigs with, never ceases to amaze me with his talent and improvisation. Very very impressive.

Met my sister's lab people, which was really exciting because we had a lot posh Oxfordy Cambridgy things to talk about. Which is really embarrassing to be here because obviously I'm just going to be thought of as a right show-off. But this old guy was really clever and cute and looked like an egg. And I invited him over to Queens to give a talk and sing a song next term!

I also bought a macbook Air, the tiniest one, which I'm so used to now. It makes my old vaio look like a time machine built in the 1700s. But I can't figure how to slot in my SD card, which some wedding photos I took are in!

OH oh I made a very exciting buy the day before the wedding - Ah Hui (my sister-in-law) and I went last minute shopping for an evening dress to wear for the dinner. I got this dress for $190 in the right size which was originally....... $720!!!!! From the Tang's sale. Ridiculous! Last piece too, I had to strip the mannequin. It's a blue tube dress sort of thing with cool architectural bits at the bottom. It's so simple and classy (well not really unless I wear a jacket over it. On hindsight I looked a bit of a fat whore at the dinner but nvm I still like the dress.) and it's the first (meant-to-be) expensive item of clothing I own!!!!!

Can't wait to somehow get some pictures up!

Productivity

2010-12-16T08:20:00.002+08:00

Is, for me, at an all time low now. For some reason, since about sec3 onwards, I've just been steadily deteriorating in my will to do work. My attention span has dwindled from a mighty solid hour to a mere 3.5 mins tops. Facebook isn't even the only thing to blame too - it's anything and everything from randomly texting to imagining I'm hungry then go on an organised raid of the kitchen. That, by the way, isn't even in my own house. Shameful.

It's truly frustrating though, and I am so annoyed at my own lack of discipline. I look at Chris and I admire how he can just sit there and do something he doesn't even remotely like doing (well I assume no one can truly like doing work can they?) (Well on second thoughts..) It's fascinating and I can't for the life of me figure out how.

I guess I just have to shut up, stop looking at dresses online or stalking pretty girls (yes I am one of those "wow she has such hot legs" kind of girls but not in a lesbian way I don't think) and get ON IT.

I quite like this space for ranting that I've got here too, it strangely motivates me. I'll just blabber on a little about what I'm currently trying to finish at the mo' - a 3000 word essay on mitochondrial uncoupling agents and how they might be manipulated as obesity treatments. In short, there are proteins that naturally uncouple oxidative phosphorylation, and these are expressed mostly in brown fat which are things that keep us warm by producing heat instead of ATP because of these uncoupling proteins. If they can be manipulated in this or other tissues to make you burn up instead of producing energy (ATP), obviously you won't store fat as easily and obese people can sit there can burn up fat!

Though, they might also just heat up and roast, which isn't quite ideal. And obviously lots and lots and LOTS more to this. With a billion papers to cite and shit. Which is fine I guess it's relatively interesting, since I bloody made up the topic myself.

Thank god no one reads this. What a put off.

Anyway. I'm in Chris's house now, being taken care and cooked LOADS for by the mother and Chris isn't even here. Also, Freddy (the dog) is the cutest thing ever and he snores ridiculously loudly.

Still, can't wait to go home to the warmth. Oh! List of things I NEED TO REMEMBER TO EAT in the short space of 2 weeks:

- Chendol
- Chilli crab
- EVERY type of my favourite Q Bread/Breadtalk/Crystal Jade breads or any kopitiam bread
- Roti prata of every kind, with teh ping and milo dinosaur
- Sashimi, unagi, oysters, shabu shabu
- Tangyuan
- Fuji apples, papaya, mango

Definitely more that I can't remember now.

Right. Fat essay resumes. My butt fucking hurts from sitting so much.

PS I also desperately need to stop eating so much shit so I can look nice for the sister's wedding. ARGH.

Varsity

2010-12-13T18:24:00.005+08:00

Spent the last week in the Alps skiing with a billion people from Oxbridge. It was the funnest thing ever. Perfect lifestyle - wake up, ski, come home, cook for the boys' lunch, ski in the afternoon, come home, cook dinner, drink, go out get smashed, come home, sleep.

Brilliant.

Went stayed with 4 males and it was good fun although sometimes the testosterone levels in the house did grow unbearable and at times like those I missed being girly and gay.

Too much to talk about, shall just put up some random pictures.

Kele from Bloc Party!!!!!!! Apparently the set wasn't very good but I was too out of it to have much valid opinions on this. Bobbing around half-mindedly is always fun in any case.

Scary chair lifts. Heard that someone drunkenly fell off one by accident and broke his back.

Us on chairlifts. My favourite bit of skiing.

Dumb lui.

They play "fighting" in the house..

Accidental upload. I love this picture, although if you notice I am clutching my filthy, filthy broken pair of slippers to wear when the heels overcome me.

Told I was trying to do some Mambo song, "I was only seventeen...." blah blah.

More chairlifts.

Oh thought I'd mention that I almost broke my neck when I fell off a slope - my friend was yelling my name but I just lay there after tumbling and rolling about 10 metres down. When I sort of came round my skiis and stuff were just scattered uphill and my neck really really hurt. But it was just a sprain.

Coolest thing ever!

Am now in Chris's house where the mother is feeding me really well. Ahh.

Home on Christmas day!

Christmas!

2010-12-01T08:10:00.002+08:00

I hope I've updated un-often enough so that absolutely no one reads this. Then it'll feel like I'm talking to myself, which is absolutely brilliant. It's like being in a forest with squirrels nibbling at acorns with a backdrop of rustling autumn leaves. Whaaaay.

I'm living an okay life at the mo'. It's started snowing, and we've made a snowman downstairs in Front Quad, below my room, which is on the roof level. Worst thing was, I leave my milk out the window (it's colder than in the fridge) and THE WIND BLEW IT OVER and it LANDED ON THE SNOWMAN like about 20 metres below.

It's like killer litter milk that killed Mr Icy.

Going on Varsity skiing this Friday, VERY excited, until next week where I'll go live in Chris's Wimbledon house, like the family house with the dog, without him while he continues suffering in the hospital living in his shit little London Bridge house with the weird housemate who I swear is gay. Can't wait for the mom's homemade charsiew!!!!!! Although the dog hates me.

Really looking forward to that actually - found out that a LOT of my closest friends live around the area. Like my friend Olivia who lives 20 mins from the tennis courts, and ANDY MURRAY used to live in her house when he was a junior player and couldn't afford swanky hotels or whatever. AND HER MOM CHASED HIM OUT BECAUSE HE WAS MAKING OUT WITH THIS OTHER TENNIS GIRL, saying what I assume might have been like "oi stop dirtying my couch with your wank and that slut! And my children are all under the age of 8!"

And Stuart lives quite near too in somewhere called Strawberry Hill where we went to pick strawberries in the summer. It was nice. Chris said to eat as many as you could while picking them, because they charge by the weight that you pick when you leave. So we ate far, far too many strawberries than what the food pyramid might kindly advise.

So then I'm only coming home during Christmas Day at like 8am, which is quite sad because I'll miss Candlelight service in church at home and the nice dinners on the Eve, but I'll force my family to pretend Christmas came a day late.

Oh and my sister's getting married on Huayshan day (1st Jan) which is AWESOME! (been watching too much how i met your mother) HAVE to stop eating junk and shit to fit into my bridesmaid dress. Twice in two years mannnn am I awesome or what. WHADDUP!!!!!

So that's almost the end of term now - it seemed only yesterday that I had to lug all my shit boxes up onto the frikkin roof and now I have to pack everything back into boxes again. But then 8 weeks isn't all that long, especially being broken up every other weekend of going to London.

On a random note I must say I've only just realised how blessed I am to be here. Oxford is crazy beautiful (and annoyingly cold at this annoying time of year) and there's so much tradition and shit (that usually annoys me) and the spires and choirs are ridiculously pretty. It's quite stress-free if you manage your time well and not get drunk all the time. I've been reading my friends and random Singaporean blogs of people my age and I've forgotten how stressful that place is, just because everyone else is so kiasu. I love my home but I really don't miss that at all.

Speaking of Singapore - wtf is up with this formspring business? I hope it doesn't stop though it amuses me till no end. CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME AND SEE EVERYONE!!!!!

I'm a Finalist

2010-11-05T06:35:00.002+08:00

It suddenly struck me that this is the first degree that I'll get. It does have a worrying aura, but the fact that I know how unimportant it is later makes it less real. Which is good I guess, it means I can keep doing 4 hour efforts in reading+writing essays that people spend a week on. I have found that that is my one true talent.

Although of course I hardly know what I'm writing about, which is fine, given point made above.

Anyway. So I organised a dinner for all the current and past medics in queens, so had to invite bigshot doctors and profs and researchers and all the stiff old tutors back to queens. SO STRESSFUL I was so scared I'd forgotten to put someone important down and they turned up with no space for dinner or some shit like that. And was also at a tutorial 25 mins away at a dangerously late time, which I had to run back from, and got dressed in my gown and shit in half-sweat. (Half because it's quite cold at night) Also tripped over a rock and fell on my face and cussed in mid-air on the way.

But all in all it was fine. Speaker was great, I made good effort to talk to absolutely everyone, and made sure all the guests were introduced to the tutors and stuff, tried not to think too hard about embarrassing myself in front of important people, but it wasn't that bad. I guess I was programmed into grown-up chat mode, and worse super high heels so that I wasn't as tiny as normal. Everyone here basically treats me like a kid because I'm small (relative to big ang mohs) so I'm glad I rose to the occasion, pun unintended.

Other than that, I've got a lot of little annoyances that happen in my life like bitchy girls I really hate, and I let myself get quite easily affected by subtle things. I don't even remember what. But now (from practice before I sleep) I've learnt how to do a sort of snide half-smirk at comments at which I feel belittled by. It sort of has a little grunt to it as well, which is meant to sound like yeah-whatever-i-don't-care. But I'm so shit at these indirect, insincere things that is the essence of Brit in college, or so I feel.

But oh well.

Also, going to London tomorrow for Bonfire night! Glad Stuart and lot are coming with me to see Chris too. Should be good fun I hope. Can't wait to eat a charsiew bao from chinatown.

I miss huay shan. Can't wait can't wait can't wait for the hols (in 4 weeks!), Oh oh oh I'm going on oxbridge varsity skiing in France 4th to 11th Dec, SO EXCITED. CAN'T WAIT. after which I'm going to plant myself in Chris's house in London (without him) to do work so that his mom can cook for me and I can play with Freddy!

CAN'T WAIT.

Now I have to put my dumb talent into good use and bang this shit essay out before tomorrow. Just for jokes, it is -

Compare models for the mechanism of expansion (and occasional contraction) of unstable triplet repeats. Is there a single model which can account for all of the observed features of these dynamic mutations?

Mate. That sucks.

Omg, Work?!

2010-10-15T07:04:00.002+08:00

So I haven't done much, or any, work since March, because there was simply no need. Or I didn't feel there was.

So now, it's catching up on me. I run like a mad dog every day from place to place trying to live my life.

Basically, for those who are mildly curious, I'm doing something called Final Honours School this year. It involves a lot of journal reading, critical analysis, a project, dissertation, an extended essay, and exams. I.e. just ridiculously cheem stuff that I will forget in half a year and of which 99.9999999% of the rest of the world do not give a shit about. CD161, TFIIA, PIC, CHIP, RT-PCR.. like seriously. Who actually gives a shit?

Anyway. So then I'm also doing something to do with the history and philosophy of science. Which is the coolest thing ever. Like do you think Galileo is a purely keen scientist, a fiesty rebel, or just an attention-seeking asshole? Haha. I think he's just got the telescope girls going for him.

So at the end of the year I'll hopefully pass my exams, which gives me a BA in Med Sciences. Which I recently heard is an actual degree, that somehow converts to a masters after a year, automatically! Wow, that's like putting butter flour and sugar into the fridge then raiding it at night to find a cake.

London tomorrow after another ridiculously hectic day! I wish I was already doing clinicals. I'd so much rather see dying/mangled people, not tubes and tubes of (my own) blood and antibodies.

Hey, blogging is quite liberating. I should do this more.

Oh! Random note but I DJ-ed for an hour at Park End. the DJ was so awesome and he's SO my mate now. We insulted this dumb twat I hate who I saw trying to wind up one of my friends. "Yo ugly dude, the lady here requests that you leave her friend alone thank you" HAHAHAHAHAHAH omg the entire dancefloor cracked up. Wicked night.

Nepal

2010-09-23T15:20:00.004+08:00

I forgot I had a blog.

Anyway, for memories' sake, I shall update. I went to Nepal for 6 weeks recently and it was a hell of an experience, hardest time in my life as yet. Lived in a village at 2300m for nearly five weeks, with quite basic living conditions:

- squat toilets with no flush
- no cement anywhere, just mud and rock
- lots of roaming animals like scraggly chickens, that get slaughtered on blunt sickles.
- the SAME FOOD twice a day, EVERY DAY. Dhaal (lentil soup) Bhaat (rice) with fried oily veg. It was quite nice to begin with
- brilliant mountain views, rainbows every day, clouds at eye level
- showering together on the main road under a tap

We were there to build a school and help out with some teaching. Carrying rocks down fucking slippery paths up and downhill and planks of wood like Jesus Christ being crucified, is, in short, no joke.

Some pictures:
One of the billion posters I was drawing while I was out of action due to a swollen infected foot. I LOVE goats.

Our farewell ceremony at our nearly completed building. Horrible dirty red stuff.

On one of our many horrifically dangerous treks to the town or somewhere. That's Xan, the tall guy, who had to leave halfway cos his grandmother was dying.

My favourite place in the village. Learnt to cook with stoking up a fire and keeping it hot and burning by adding wood, and different kinds burn differently.

Random dancing when we met up with the others. (There are 15 of us, 5 in each village. Mine's called Bhakunde and it's the highest one.) See the fat bitch at the back? She's this fucker who left at the same time as Xan with some lame excuse of flight problems. She just moaned a lot and made up excuses for being incapable.

That left us with just me, Sinead and Sameer to do all the fucking work for 2 whole weeks.

When team Resha came to visit. It was a feast.

The skilled builders on the roof. My host family has been trying to marry off to the boy without the cap. He's tiny and toned.

Us trying to look busy and happy. Digging mud all day sucks shit.

Our goat shed on the path to the toilet. The tap there is where dishes are washed.

View outside my balcony room. There are greenhouses where the dad grows tomatoes REALLY well. He's so clever and good and strong.

Well anyway it was definitely a memorable experience and it's hard to pen down everything but at least you get a semblance of what I mean. I was longing to return home quite badly, but now that I am, I'm not that satisfied, and am dying to go back to England to see Chris. But nothing really satisfies, does it?

I'm Alive

2010-05-21T05:37:00.002+08:00

...and having a very chilled time.

I have literally no work, it is truly weird. My exams were over last term, I only occasionally go into labs to stain my cells and make little charts, then come home and do shit. It's great.

Though I'd love to come home and drink lemon barley because I'm slightly ill from er, possibly downing unnecessary shots. It is very very bad.

Nothing very much to update about but I really can't wait to go home and see everyone. It always seems like I'm not online, but that's cos I'm not, and not very much chat, because I'm not online - but then it's not the same as meeting up properly. So for those I've sort of ignored, I haven't ignored you and I can't wait to come home!

ps. there are fat ducks sitting outside my window omg I hate them

Blogs and Bitching

2010-04-20T12:53:00.002+08:00

I cannot sleep. I might as well bitch lovingly after the post I did just below.

I was just reading HS's recommended vanilla whites blog, I find it outrageously funny how you see this:

Sheer Lace Dress: Forever 21
Studded Vest: Cotton On
Latex Leggings: Forever 21
Vintage Blazer: Wen's
Leather Jacket: Topshop
Tan Flats: Dotti
Bag: Chanel

... this,

"...we started talking about my leopard stockings so they forgot that 10 bags for 2 women is a tad too much wtf, see wearing scary leopard stockings help WTF! ;P"

and

"Yes that's me FML!"

plus another billion wtf-s and fml-s and magazine model wannabe-ing and 3 billion photos of a distinctly average overly made-up girl.

I love reading it now solely because these things make my world a happy place.

Also, I have come to think that Xiaxue is the most brilliant person ever. Her blog is quite simply a place of mindless rambling and most importantly photos of another very very made-up person who is admittedly always photoshopped. Desperately shallow on the outset, who is hugely successful - she frikkin gets a sponsored wedding! After the hassle with my brother's one, that truly is a LOT of money saved. And free holidays too. Ridiculous.

And amazingly clever. She probably never thought she'd gain so much from the blog, but I must say that making people think the worst of you in the shallowest possible way and to use this to churn money out of the negative publicity is the most brilliant way to make a living.

Fantastic. I wonder what her actual personality is like.

WTF it is 6am and I haven't slept yet, FML!

Tee-shirt: picked up from the common laundry room
FBTs: VJC bookshop
Hair-band: the floor

Because I Am Lazy

2010-04-20T12:01:00.004+08:00

I don't put photos in order. These are just some from my end-of-exam birthday, morocco and tenerife.

The camel - I named him Harry; Rachel's was called Fatty - I sat on in the desert.

Rachel and I in some part of the Atlas Mountains. You have to go through there to get to somewhere on the edge of the Sahara. Ps, it must only be me, but I never knew Morocco was in Africa.

The hottest of the 3 german girls we travelled to the desert with. I hope to God she never comes across this. If she does,

1. I am not lesbian
2. Rachel drools over her and she's got a boyfriend and
3. Even a being as perfect as Caleb finds her immensely hot, although it must have pained him to admit it.
4. Two days of car rides requires distraction.

A cool cat with weird eyes we saw on the way up some funny little hill near the desert.

The most disgusting thing the local Moroccans (+ Junny) eat. Cow face/brain parts.

Due to the disorder, we jump randomly to Tenerife. Ps I'm sure it's just me, but I've never heard of Tenerife till Huayshan suggested we go there. Until now, I've been too lazy to find out what exactly is it. It is, although, after days of investigating, that it is in the Atlantic ocean near Spain.

The coastline Huayshan and I trudged up and down every day, exploring, eating an average of 2.2 ice creams a day, and a humongous pile of Paella.

Randomly we now see a bit of the desert - Us 5 plus the 3 above-mentioned german girls became very good friends after watching the stars, sleeping in smelly tent, peeing and camel-riding together.

My medic friend Ellie and I in the toilet at my birthday. The toilet was pretty.

Being very unhappy to be 21.

A very inaccurate potrayal of exactly how beautiful the desert was. Taken on camel back.

Omg story side-track: Rachel and I were meant to fly back to Heathrow from Casablanca but we had a flight from Fez to Casablanca first. The latter was frikkin cancelled with hardly a reason except 'the plane broken'.....! Confidence-inspiring. We then went by a shitty bus to Casablanca and obviously missed the connecting flight to Heathrow. Complain complain complain, ended up staying in airport hotel. Next day, reached well early to airport in anticipation of finally getting home, then bloody flight was delayed by 6 hours or some shit. Apparently, 'plane didn't fly'. As a result I missed my sister's graduation at Cambridge where my parents were waiting for me.

I try not to swear on my blog, but Fuck You royal air moroc. You're fucking worse than paddling driftwood from Africa to England.

Anyway, the picture above is me with the coolest dude stuck in the same sitaution - he owns a company that supplies Topshop, DP, Miss Selfridge, Debenhams and the likes, and he started out as a designer. That's me bugging him to draw for me.

Me and Huayshan underwater. I was trying not to die by breathing water, while HS was merely celebrating not dying a few minutes earlier as the instructors forgot about her and she sank like a stone after tumbling backwards off the motorboat. She is also trying fervently to sit on the rock.
Caleb looks down on me. That is Sterling in blue, our precious French speaker. Ps it must be just me, but Morocco is a French colony. Which is weird because I associate French with things classy and posh, which is the exact antithesis of Morocco.

Ah we're back in Tenerife. Me and HS in our cheapshit Primark bikinis and beach towel. The bag (Huayshan's) is the size of my luggage - money-saving on budget airlines.

Oh yes - "Tenerife, a Spanish island, is the largest of the seven Canary Islands in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Africa." - Wikipedia. The stuff you rely on without a Moroccan Lonely Planet.

Holiday

2010-04-18T21:22:00.002+08:00

It's been ages, but my easter hols are already almost over, I turned 21, took my exams, went to morocco, got my flight back to London cancelled, missed my sister's graduation in Cambridge, came back to Oxford, saw my parents, went to Birmingham to see Huayshan then off to Tenerife with her, had an AMAZING time and arguably the best holiday in my life, got back mediocre results, came back to Oxford, spent the remaining 2 weeks trying to raise money by cooking and helping Chris revise.

In essence that was it.

I just shifted back into my room and finally could use my own laptop. Am feeling fat and nua now and I will watch iPlayer until I feel bored enough to upload pictures.

PS. one thing that HS inspires me to do is to keep in touch with people at home. Again, I will do this after I watch tv.

Can't wait for more uni friends to get back for more picnics and summer parties!

3 more

2010-03-16T02:16:00.002+08:00

First paper today -Neuro, bit shit, but hopefully other people do worse.

Was in the shower after doing some fb stalking when I got home, and decided on some rules:

The Unspoken Rules of Facebooking:

1. If the person's profile pic is bad, write him off. It's already the best picture, the rest must be worse, and real life even worse.

2. Don't put up loud attention seeking statuses every ten minutes and expect a billion people to comment.

3. Don't comment on the same person's loud attention seeking statuses - it makes you look like a suckup loser to people who find the attention-seekingness annoying (i.e. everyone)

4. Don't reply a person's post on your wall by commenting on it, just frikking write back on theirs. Especially if you want them to actually see it.

5. Don't go on facebook when you have exams.

Ah yes. Physiology now, am dreading the cramming that needs to be done NOW.

2010-03-15T03:45:00.000+08:00

EXAMS TMR. till thursday. then birthday, then morocco, the family at cambridge, the tenerife..............

the worst part of spotting questions is the terror you get the day before.

Exams, Fat, Being Married

2010-03-06T20:55:00.002+08:00

1. I'm bloody stressed about failing my exams now because I have not studied very much because I got round to thinking I am bloody clever cos I did bloody well last year. Problem: since everyone did shit last year people are working doubly hard whereas I'm doing the exact opposite. Yes don't compare with others. But doing well is only relative, so it IS in terms of how much better you do compared to other people so yes I AM WORRIED NOW OH SHIT. WHY DID I LET MY HEAD GET SO BIG.

2. I am eating way too much it scares me and I'M BLOODY FAT NOW &*)(*&^%^$%%&)(* THIS.

3. I am awed by how Xiaxue can possibly turn criticism into fame and fame into money, by simply being herself i.e. prone to insult which ironically generates income by feeding off the readership of self-righteous twats. It is truly incredible.

I on the other hand, will eventually make money by doing nothing but studying. FML.

Also, she is getting married! So will my own sister, and so IS my brother, and I CAN'T WAIT TO BE MARRIED!!!

I really look forward to pestering Donald about my dress, making Huayshan my HEAD bridesmaid (so that I can have many many other pretty bridesmaids like liesel etc.) so she can boss around the others of how to best look pretty at my wedding (BUT NOT PRETTIER THAN ME ON MY WEDDING OK) and having hopefully a garden party and many many things and my mom and me actually planning everything together since we've got so much experience already!!!

omgomgomg Ithink this is the caffeine-high talking but omg Kayhwee gave me Old Town coffee powder (which i have nv heard of till now) apparently from Singapore, that tastes like hawker centre coffee omg IT IS SO NICE.

shit my hands are going all gittery.

Shit I need to pass my exams.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO MOROCCO IN LESS THAN 2 WEEKS THEN CAMBRIDGE THEN BHAM THEN TENERIFE OMG i will look for sunhats for me and shan!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do some bloody work dammit

DO SOME WORK

2010-02-22T07:09:00.002+08:00

I haven't been here for so long I tried logging in for like 6 times, until I realised I was using the wrong email address.

Well life's been pretty up and down-ish though the highs and lows are quite definitely self-created. Nothing much explicit to say, but my exams are in 3 weeks, everyone is working their asses off, and I haven't really filed my notes yet. Though I do think there's less this time than the last, and people are just paranoid.

Well to keep spirits up, I've got quite a brilliant plan for Easter hols -

9th week: (starts 15th March) - EXAMS monday to thursday+ 21ST BIRTHDAY on the horriblest paper on wednesday though hopefully thursday should be a good thrashing night out with the medics and those else who stay up.

19th march to 26th march - MOROCCO!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully there'll be awesome desserts and starry nights and wicked cous cous type foods. Leaving on the friday morning at 6am after the end-of-exams+birthday thursday, so I have to pack under an hour whilst hopefully not too drunk. Hopefully not - it's quite horrid honestly.

Flight back to Heathrow with rachel chew then straight off to Camb for Jie's graduation thing, WELL excited, I hope she lets me DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then no firm plans yet but CANARY ISLANDS WITH YUEN HUAY SHAN. omg. HS if you're reading at this very moment i'm sorry i haven't replied but that's cos I've banned facebook from my computer for half a week!

All the rest of the time I'll be staying up in Oxford with Chris and a lot of other people, who will be revising (heeheeeheeeeeeeeeeee) while I'll be busy COOKING and making stuff for people and learning the guitar (inspired by HS), photoshop and going to visit friends in London.

can't wait but i need to study first!!!!!!!!! urgh.

Dent

2010-02-07T01:50:00.003+08:00

The car driving too smoothly down the road eventually meets a bump. What do you do - lose control and swerve into a tree, or keep hold of the steering wheel and breathe?

Maybe it's God telling me many many things:
1. be independent
2. let go of the notion of prestige and material judgment
3. a test of whether he's the one

I need to hear His voice more clearly. Nevertheless, I'm glad that it has made me stronger. It seems like such a big deal in my life now, but it's all just circumstances. What do I do about it? Rely on God and no one else.

Self-control is the most difficult fruit.

Worried

2010-01-28T19:19:00.003+08:00

I've made some important decisions and realizations of late. 1. Life here would pretty much suck without Chris. 2. I like sandwiches a lot.

If he doesn't get to stay in Oxford, I will shut myself in my room for the next 4 years and no one else will give a shit about me. I suppose that sums up my worst fears.

I also need to write for the clinical school gazette now, quite exciting, but time consuming. Doing a lot of stupid things like just anything but not studying (planning to do ice hockey cuppers, Oxford Development Abroad to Nepal, and more college lacrosse/football hopefully) and people are starting to think I'm up my own arse just because I did well in the last exams.

Which is probably true, and I should probably start working a bit more.

HUAY SHAN IS COMING HUAY SHAN IS COMING OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG WE'RE GOING TO BAKE THE AWESOMEST CAKE EVERRRRRRRRRRR AND GO TO JAMIE OLIVER'S RESTAURANT.

Leaving

2010-01-09T15:27:00.003+08:00

I thought I'd get the hang of it by now, but leaving really is difficult. Leaving either world is. Then there's both sides of the coin, where there's always the looking forward to-s of going back.

But for right now it's the leaving. What is it, that makes a place yours, that makes you feel secure and belonged and just plain damn comfortable? On the top of my head I would say friends and family, but that's just not precise.

I love my sunny home here more and more each time I leave it, because I learn each day that I'm not here about what I'm missing. It's the way my favourite people make me feel. About knowing that at any time of the day, there are people to do my favourite thing (eat) with that live so close by, who don't mind mucking around and doing random things that I do, or meeting my other friends and just being good common friends.

And of course my family, and my brother who is scarily like me in our highly opinionated manner and dislike of annoying old women who talk shit. And my dog who follows me around the house tirelessly and bashes my door open in the morning.

But there, I've got my best friend in the world who is the only person that knows exactly what I am, what I am thinking, and how I would respond to things and situations, and the only person I trust above myself to judge for my good. That alone, is the reason why I miss Oxford. All the fun, partying, sports, sheer beauty, does add to the appeal of my second world, but doesn't make it a home for me if my best friend weren't there.

As established, notice the egocentricity of everything that drives me - the need for love. I don't know if I should feel guilty about being so self-centred or not, but it is honestly the only thing that drives my entire psyche.

That aside, it really is about living in the moment, doing what you're meant to, stop reminiscing, and realise that there are new memories to be made.

Shocked

2010-01-09T03:52:00.002+08:00

I cannot believe myself. I think I enjoy being liked by him, this is madness. No I've already committed, it's impractical, and I'm going back tomorrow.

What was I thinking.

I read huayshan's blog and am very sad my present hasn't arrived in her post. ):

Normal

2010-01-07T13:48:00.002+08:00

I think it's time to stop being insane. I wonder how anonymous people get here too, it's scary how the world is made so open now. But I suppose I've got nothing in me that's too far incriminating.

Oddly enough, my time in Singapore for the next many many many months is 3 days to being up, and I think the thing about I will miss most is my friends, and doing really random things with groups of people from my different circles that all semi-know each other and get along really well.

I correct the post below, upon more reflection, that Singapore is home because of these people. And my family of course, but I text my mom to call me whenever I'm bored, like walking back from lectures for example, so the goings-on of home never really slips me by. Which can be annoying, but no matter. But yes, though I moan about wanting to go back, I realise it really is just because of Chris, because he's my best friend. And the rest of my really good friends are just stuck at home, or elsewhere, making me not particularly wanting to leave.

But oh well. Singapore gets more and more amazing the longer you leave it, for more and more reasons.

Defining 2009

2010-01-04T14:18:00.008+08:00

I need some happy posts. This, I guess, sums up in pictures what 2009 meant to me.

Chris, for his milk, cereal, and mothering.

Celebrating my results with Chris and Andrew Chin in south france

Sunset shot in Nice
Cambodia with Rachel, Yixuan and Kayhwee. Epic bridging.

One of my favourite people, Mama Yuen Huayshan.

Sexy Paris with JaneJason and Junghans
Eurodisney outside Paris (screaming on a mickeymouse ride)

Keane concert with hashir, shingky, afzal

Raving in hongkong with Chris, Afz and Alex Meyer

Sidney, Pearl and HL, with sidz being a ps shit as usual as Pearl's birthday. Haha.

Christmas dinner
Crazy zoukout: missing is Suewei sleeping on the beach, and Weixiang laughing at her long tongue.
Pulsing at my bro's wedding

Partying with Bacteriology Prof, a big name and a bigger snob, and the biggest perve. Chris looking motherly protective

Halloween, and my eyeliner-drawing handiwork.

Bro is married?!

Them being hot, sweaty and miserable. My new favourite sister in law!

Doing what I love at the wedding.

Startled by wheezing sparkler's on New Year's

New year's and fireworks after almost crashing Hashir's mini cooper.

Cheers to the new year.

Resolution 1: Stop binging and junking

Being Beautiful

2010-01-01T22:06:00.002+08:00

This blog is getting way too personal for my liking, but i figure that only the people I would naturally tell these things to would care.

I have big issues with eating, and no one at home really gets it. I really love eating, and I have very bad eating habits. For one, once I start, I cannot stop, especially if it's something unhealthy eg. chendol or ice cream-like things, I can have 3 bowls all to myself and not bat an eyelid until the binge has been done. I might be really full, but my mind just keeps wanting to taste more. Also, I like variety of things, so I won't stop till I've sampled every thing there is.

I eat when I'm not hungry, just simply when I'm bored, even if it's nothing I want to eat anyway. eg. I can finish off 6 slices of toast with kaya or butter or nutella when I go down to the kitchen in the middle of the night when I'm bored of doing work. And I cannot do without carbs.

I also don't eat proper meals at proper times, because I'll always be on binge-recovery mode and think to myself not to eat when everyone else is, thinking that it'll compensate for the previous binge. But when I get hungry I just go to the kitchen and prowl around for food and end up doing exactly what I wanted to compensate for.

Also, every time I come home, I head immediately for the kitchen for a raid. It's just what I do.

And every single time after these horrible binges, I feel so so guilty and horrible I would cry, and wish that I could throw up or something but I just can't (and can't bring myself to try), so I make a deal with myself to eat healthy the next day, or to skip the next meal, but I get hungry and the sick cycle repeats itself.

People at home just keep going on about how I don't eat, and how skinny I am, and it fucking annoys me because here I am trying my best to stop the urges, and they really don't see me going at it cos it embarrasses me to binge in front of people I suppose. Though sometimes I do it to prove a point.

I am not exaggerating one bit and no one understands how much and how unnecessarily I can truly eat. I have a craving for food, and a mind like a horribly obese person.

The only reason why I'm not disgustingly fat is because I run, and I find running easy. But still, it's a really unhealthy way to live.

Thinking about it on my run just now, I realise the reason for not wanting to be fat in the first place is because I've been well fat before and it sucks. And it took so much effort to cut down and start running.

Also because I need a thinner face. After much observation, I deduce that people with the smallest face-to-eyes ratio i.e. big eyes compared to face, have the best looking faces. Being a superficial, attention-seeking and needy person as I've established earlier, I need a thinner face.

To be honest, I know I look okay, because at least my face shape is nice and more-or-less pointy. But it gets fat when I binge, and I can tell the difference even within a day or two.

As of now, I'm recovering from 2 days of very bad binging over new year's, and have had a moderately healthy dinner to make up for it. All I need is the self control to not have supper later.

Also, I've been trying fruitlessly to study, and it all boils down to the same point of an utter lack of self-control.

Help me God, I'm diseased and going insane.

ps HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUAY SHAN.

Irrationally Annoyed

2009-12-28T13:14:00.003+08:00

I've been at home a lot recently, if not out for random suppers or shopping or driving.

Being at home, having time to myself and my family, makes me think a lot. About which world I prefer, what exactly it is that defines my own sense of belonging, what kind of relationships mean most to me - all that is explicable of my own human need for love and security of other humans. Friends and family.

In each world, both tiers tug at different strings.

I write this in the hope that no one reads, yet I admit this is a silent cry for attention. I am a needy, selfish person.

Friends.

I have few real friends. Very few. This, I am most definitely sure, is my own fault, for it reflects what a bad friend I am to other people. My world is egocentric, I survive on doing what I know benefits me most. Friends to me are merely entertainment, to boost my own love for myself. I don't have time for people, I don't sincerely bother about people's needs, and therefore no one confides in me. I accept this, with guilt and a broken heart. I see this trait in my father, and am scared that I will end up like that.

Family

I can almost honestly say I love my family. But that is only because they love me. I don't suppose anyone else does. I started titling this post because I was annoyed that my mom wouldn't take me to parkway despite our agreeing to it yesterday, and drove my sister all the way to tampines to get her hair done. Especially in light of the fact that I have very little time to spare out of the house, where work is inaccessible, and thus need to do everything at parkway in one go. For a few minutes I churned with hatred. Hours of cooping myself up at home, trying and failing to revise miserably, not retaining facts, and being a general let-down to myself, and the fleeting show of abandonment that was just flung at me, all bubbled in fiery, throat-burning pain.

As I mentioned, irrational.

I therefore conclude that I don't love, but only receive. Perhaps that's why I'm that way with boys too, merely taking, never initiating, because I never love.

And yet I need love. It is a picture of complete selfishness. Everything I do, is so that I will be held in people's esteem, so that they will want to be like me, to love me.

Time to myself also means that I think about friends. Huayshan, for example, is the total opposite of me. I suppose that's why I'm so fascinated by her and the things she thinks about. I long to have her simple character that is absolutely devoid of malice.

And think about family. Each one of us, besides my mom, has inherited the self-obsessed, obnoxious gene from my dad. My brother for example, is a reflection of myself, which is why I can tell from a flick of the eyes, a half-hearted grimace, exactly what he is thinking. His primary reaction to situations is to block out and ignore anything that would involve any unnecessary effort on his part, and I honestly feel sad for Minghui, who's closer to me than my own sister.

The worst thing is, I understand this huge, dark, underlying motivation behind everything I say and do, as part of my inbuilt and nurtured character. If I am jealous, it is because the person I envy has something that makes him/her more loved than me. If I am sad, it is because something has happened that makes me feel insecure. If I am happy, it is because I have achieved something that has elevated me in the eyes of people.

I don't deserve friends, but I think it the time of my life where I should start making an effort in thinking about what I can give to other people.

Home - Wedding mAdNEssSsss

2009-12-10T21:41:00.002+08:00

Well, for those of you who actually come here hoping that Mr. Bean below isn't showing (i.e. Nat), here I am, back home is not-as-sunny-as-you-would-think Singapore.

And for those of you who don't give a shit, well, on a completely random note, my brother is getting married. You might remember a video of the proposal posted right here (the amazing malteaser ice cream cake i made) a long while ago. Yeah. The fat dude is still fat and is now getting married.

In essence, I get to be bridesmaid, violin player, and speech giver about the brother. Got my dress SKETCHED out, the bridesmaid one and a cheongsam for the dinner (my mom insisted that the theme be Shanghai night). My god, the drawing was so quick and effortless, project runway to the max. And it was this fat old chinese uncle doing it, he's an absolute genius. Will frame up the sketches when he's done making the stuff.

The mother is well stressed, it is literally her wedding, seeing as the groom doesn't seem to know he's getting married, and the bride has exams, but at least knows to get her hair done and look for shoes.

Meanwhile, I've been going around eating everything Singaporean within sight, and going to Comfort Driving for lessons. My test is on the 16th, and yes I will fail again. No pressure. I think they're removing the poles from next year onwards, probably because they got sick of picking them up after I'm done parking. Yes, the driving saga hasn't ended, not in 2 years.

I swear it's haunted.

Now that I'm home, I miss oxford. It's like living with friends, yet having to only be responsible for yourself, and the only things in your room belong to you. Also, I somehow miss flirting with my Italian sandwich shop owner, who I hope will give me a job in Easter hols. His nutella paninis is the stuff of dreams.

Nevertheless, glad to be back, really wish huayshan was here so that our stayover/cooking/ecp running dream will finally be fulfilled.

Meanwhile, I should start to think about work, I can't believe my second year as a medic is almost over, with horrid exams on my 21st birthday to cap it.

Mr Bean.

2009-11-04T04:16:00.003+08:00

When you're in oxford for awhile, the grandeur of it just fades, you take all the shit for granted. Hell, people aren't even all that smart anyway.

Until you meet Mr Bean in person.

Tinkling champagne glasses, silk dresses, high heels, suave dinner jackets and sexy hair, the smart kids looking good in the Upper Library. An ancient treasury of leather-bound, dusty books from antiquity, guests chatting around the corridors, miles below the arched ceiling of fine art.

And then there's me, wearing a random top and tights and hoodie (not noticing "black tie") trotting in with my friends- who thought not telling me would be a joke, and were right - and banging into Rowan Atkinson, looking like, hm, a slightly aged Mr Bean in black rimmed glasses, and surprisingly not in a brown tweed jacket. I glance up in embarrassment, nod in apology, and get a twitch of a smile in return. and THEN realise who it was, but not very surprised since he's a Fellow at Queens anyway.

Dash back, changed in 3.5 mins, swanky.

5 course, choir sings the prayer in latin, trumpet blower is noticeably on form, polite chat to big old important men over serving after serving of fantastic food. Taught a philosophy professor about the neuroscience of perception (: [on hindsight, got it fantastically wrong. He hopefully will not remember my name]

Drank out of an ancient Queens treasure, the Loving Cup -poculum caritatis- passed around to everyone around the table, with a pretentious little ceremony of standing and bowing to the left and right. It was actually a very weird-looking 800ish year old horn-like thing, that certainly smelt like its age. It was like the black death instead of swine flu going through people's minds with the communal sharing of drink.

Found something in common with an old physics fellow - we both think Wikipedia is the greatest gift to mankind in our subjects.

Free dinners were never so good. Pity banned cameras was an unsaid courtesy.

Help

2009-10-22T05:20:00.004+08:00

I'm pissbored trying to do a neuro essay. You wouldn't think that awful convoluted grey lump in your skull had so many annoying parts to it with different annoying circuits of neurons crossing here and there for no apparent reason.

Though it was cool to clutch (and almost drop) a wobbly grey human brain and imagine it pulsating green and purple if it were still alive. It's well heavy too, or maybe just choloroform-soaked.

At a thai restaurant where the waiter thought I was thai because he saw me being forced to explain the entire menu to clueless ang mohs. (I purposely put the picture up cos in the camera you can see the purple in the hair, but not quite here innit. Urgh)

I'm bloody bored and feel like binging but cleverly have emptied my entire room of food now. That's enough binging for a week I reckon.

Bicester + lacrosse on saturday, can't wait!

p.s. I HATE BRAINS.
AND BACTERIA.

p.p.s Recently in labs we've had to grow our own bacteria like from tonsils, nose, fingers, head etc, and my plates were the most digusting in the entire cohort, like completely festered in zillions of grey-brown-green, haemolytic or not, bulging out pops of bacteria colonies. And, I wasn't even sick.

I remember Pearl saying mushrooms could grow on me. I find it slightly less funny now.

Brain

2009-10-17T18:43:00.004+08:00

I'd have blogged 5 mins earlier, if not for the fact that I was trying a million and one computations of my blogger username and password, just because i havent logged in in gazillion years.

It's the end of week 1, and it feels like ages already. I've got a year crammed into 2x8 weeks this time, so it's a 9am every day and labs like almost 4 times a week, but it's fun being a second year nonetheless.

For starters, i dyed my hair purple, which is hardly obvious now, it's becoming more pink.

Dumbshit.

There. As usual, doing work. Defo.

Oh shit uploaded the wrong picture. Well this is just a random cake I baked for Ailene's birthday. As awesome as everything else that my hands touch.

Hongkong with Chris, Afz, Alex

Some awesome cooking. Ditto the statement about my hands.

My family, although the front row is incestous love between grandpa and mom.

Oops another wrong photo. That's not even my dog.

Okay well, back to physiology of exercise. Fun times. I want huay shan to come now!!

Hong Kong vs. Singapore vs. Oxford

2009-09-30T22:01:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone.

I'm back from an epic three week holiday in HK and Singapore with Queens friends. Afz and Chris in HK for 12 days, with the legendary Alex Meyer the angry man.

12 days in HK is, contrary to majority belief, is not that long a time. Besides the standard shopping and eating, there was also island hopping on kayaks, windsurfing, signal no.8 typhoons, waterfall climbing, sitting in a massive cloud on the Peak, watching 4 epic football matches with about 20 goals in total, having free dinner in the Grand Hyatt, losing/gaining money in macau, and general getting very black lounging around secluded beaches where you can walk a kilometre out to sea.

It's quite a bit scruffier, cheenafied and polluted than in Singapore, but hm, there's a lot more gui ling gao.

For blogging's sake, I shall put up a random story.

Afz, who is part of a set of Pakistani-Brit twins, is a massive flirt, who finds sport in chatting up anything from roadsweepers to indian salesmen to china girls and obese beer-bellied Irish gits. Well one day, we were having dessert in this crowded place, and Afz, Chris and I had to sit with this Hongky girl. She apparently was quite pretty, (though i thought her a bitch cos she accidentally stepped on me) so Afz got warmed up. Using his God-given talent of relentless chat, he got her talking, and she turned out to be some tacky actress who does magic tricks at bars in the night. And, is also shite at card tricks and whatnots.

Communication consisted of quick brit rambling, followed by hongky "hah? speeek slowar!" and "ta zai shuo she me??" in mandarin to me and cantonese to Chris. Nevertheless, he, or we, got ourselves invited to a movie and clubbing the next day.

So we went to watch The Orphan, where Chris was scared so I, the most charitable spirit, screamed a bit and so *both* of us had to leave because *I* was scared, thus leaving Afz on his own, with Kylie (the cmi actress) and her 2 guy friends who also came to the movie.

The next thing I knew, when I woke up in the room, was a naked man next to Afz, and cigarettes on the table, in the morning.

Turns out Afz went out after the movie with the lot of random hongkies, got himself pissed drunk, and the naked man (Jeff) sent him home. To make matters better, he was wearing underwear.

Massively scary at the time, but now it's just funny laughing at what a dumbshit Afz actually is.

Just one of the very many stupid things that happened in hongkong.

In Singapore, I was tour guide, and boy is it stressful. All in all, I brought them to Sentosa, East Coast lagoon, Batam for cable-skiing, had a pool party with my friends, Chinatown, the zoo, and of course eating the usuals like katong laksa and chilli crab and things.

Now that they've gone, life is meaningless. Also, I've recently found out that I've got collections in immunology, and the only book I've touched in the last 4 months is Facebook. And, Hashir's bro's wedding to play for tomorrow. And I'm going back on Saturday night.

To Oxford. Depressing or not I can't tell. It'll be fun to see my friends again, play lacrosse and eat cereal and milk, and escape the sufforcating heat; but am not looking forward to labs, lectures, essays and boredom.

Oh well. Massive picture upload when I collect them all.

I'm So Happening I can't be bothered to blog.

2009-09-01T23:28:00.002+08:00

Indeed.

It's been rather epic a holiday I suppose, in short, weekends have been crazily busy and very entertaining, and the excitement drops drastically minimal toward mid week, and escalates again nearer the weekends.

Just to justify the "happening-ness", i recall (after the very long blogging absence), in no particular order

- keane concert, which was grossly sweaty and very very fun i lovekeanetobits now
- baking, came up with the healthiest and moderately edible fruit cake soaked in alcohol
- zouk with hl, german dude and half a hot twin. don't rmb much, though phone drafts told me i met iggy's friend who sent me back in a cab, and woke up with puke all over, and with no bag/wallet/everything. Not fun in the least.
- mini cooper's car convoy, cute cars
- performing at weddings, offertories in church, with timmy the little genius.
- night cycling; home-newton circus- bukit timah al ahmeen - ion orchard - home, with FOOD.
- suppers at mainly 85/simpang
- sentosa beach volleyball in epic thunderstorm, food RAGE at chinatown, district 9 at cathay with oxfordies, and nat for a bit.
- 24 big bang theory episodes in a span of 3 days.
- harry potter 1 to 7 in reverse order
- meeting mother's wedding planner. yes, my brother is getting married.
- waiting to go to hk, therefore "shopping" has not been happening very much.

It's getting progressively less happening, not that it was very much so in the first place, but i daresay i've been more or less satisfactorily entertained.

been a bit lazy with the camera, too frivolous on food, very reluctant on the exercise. Many a times have pangseh-ed poor nat for runs, which is very bad.

Now that the blogging block has been finally broken, I promise to update as soon as possible.

P.S. I CAN'T WAIT FOR HUAYSHAN TO STAY OVER AT MY HOUSE

P.S.

2009-08-21T13:14:00.002+08:00

I'm alive.
Will update soon about most things, when I've had a very long nap.

p.p.s. are your left quadriceps meant to cramp from depressing the clutch??

Perfect. Scary?

2009-08-11T12:31:00.004+08:00

Hi everyone I would just like to announce that my life is perfect.

It scares me very slightly.

As of now, every day fills itself up so nicely, there's always stuff to do and people to meet despite looking as if I'm completely free on the outset. Like, there's Daniel's wedding to play for, and planning music and exploring the arrangements with timothy is really one of the things i enjoy doing most. Or, there's baking that needs to be done for various occasions, rock climbing, cable skiing, sentosa, exploring new places in town, ogling at masses of food, going back to vj for soccer girls, chilling at home with family, going random places with mom to do things for the brother's wedding, having intensely busy weekends crammed with fun stuff, earning money from tuition and having my boy say he learns more from me than he does at school (which sends me beaming over the moon, really, am SO happy), going for good suppers with long enlightening talks, dissecting Life in general.

I dunno. It's good. All that worries me now is how fat i'm getting from being in Food City, and how I'm going to fit into the dress I'm wearing for the wedding this weekend. Which reminds me, I've gotta seriously run, there's that annoying army marathon crap on sunday which my mom signed me up for. Thank God it's just 10. Though i expect 10 doesn't warrant a "just".

But oh well. Three important people's birthdays tomorrow, some massive baking coming right up.

That being said, though, I actually miss oxford a little. My giant cookie, patisserie valerie scone, paninis from Olive's (roast beef onion marmalade, or the nutella one), people's leftover lunches, hanging out with chris or chunlong or CU or medic friends, and complaining about various lectures/labs and crap.

Hm. In retrospect, this is as good as it gets. Off to soak in the pool, the weather is is determined to suck life.

"...then she started wiping her armpits

2009-08-06T10:30:00.005+08:00

and I immediately wished I hadn't said she was my best friend." No names to that, but it was the funniest (and not very surprising) thing I've heard in the longest time.

I've been so bored on the internet, having watched almost everything on 101greatgoals.com and project runway seasons and of course perving at everyone and everything on facebook. Have been annoyed at the lack of juicy blog material from my usual haunts, that I've decided to stop being one of those idiots myself to my few and faithful viewers i.e. liesel.

For one, I have finally decided to stop being so mindblowingly lazy and go up, get my camera, shove in that stick and import long overdue pictures from france/italy and cambodia. Some really random ones, for the sake of having pictures.

Good stuff on fried wanton skin.

Scary school-turned torture place.

Best friend in the orphanage.

GOOD STUFF lok lak or some cambodian sounding thing.

Paddy fields on horseback.

Cba to add more.

Anyways. Days have passed pretty nicely, doing random things with friends, eating good singapore fare, went shopping for wedding stuff for a bit today. My bridesmaid dress is quite white and poofy but my mom likes it.

Am hungry, gotta look for food.

Innately Lazy

2009-07-25T01:45:00.002+08:00

I wonder why people read blogs. I, for one, just perve at pictures, and/or laugh at grammar errors, outrageously dramatic shallowness, or on occasion, read it like a story. Otherwise, who gives a shit about what you do every day, what you buy, or where you and your other half have coffee at.

Nonetheless, I feel morally obliged to fill in this space with the mundane things of my life of late.

Well, that's being mean to my friends really. It's been great fun hanging out with everyone (especially people with cars) for suppers and dinners and food and more food. Good laughs and stupid times.

It feels good catching up with everything, but life is too good now, it feels kind of empty. Like I've accomplished nothing. I get easily bored the moment I'm out of company, and have discovered a new, urgently selfish need for constant attention or companionship - I can't survive a minute alone without sinking into boredom and relieving it by eating.

I need some new aims in life, now that the shitpile of studying is temporarily over.

I'll start thinking about it, once I come back from Cambodia on saturday morning. Maybe I should keep photo journals. I can't remember how the days have passed.

This is the stupidest thing to say, ever, but - I kinda miss oxford. The two lives are starting to converge.

SINGAPORE

2009-07-15T06:05:00.010+08:00

yes i am FINALLY HOME!

well loads of things have happened thus far, the first being that my exams were over. It was horrible while it lasted, but good things have come out of it.

So yes there have been a few minorly epic events in my life since then, and out of boredom (it's 6am now and I can't sleep and there's no one awake for me to annoy), I shall recount my life story.

Exam week.

So exams started on week 9 monday. Sunday night was horrible, where you think and think and worry about doing an exam you cant possibly do, it keeps you awake for hours and the thought of yourself not having enough sleep only makes it worse. So yeah, woke up tired and dead for Organisation of the Body (that's like anatomy and shit), but was alright-ish.

Then comes the onslaught of "shit I can't finish studying!!" moods after the first paper because that stupid subject takes up all the memory space and time, that proper revision for Physiology and Pharmacology and Biochem and Genetics only take place the day before. More sleepless nights cramming on monday and tuesday.

We have this shit called Medical Sociology, and its completely left untouched, traditionally, till the night before, and you, traditionally, slept at 6am and wake at 7am to revise from cover to cover without attending any stupid lectures. So that was wednesday night gone, though I admittedly collapsed in bed after about 2am. There stands my refusal for caffeine of any sort.

After exams.

That's what you have to wear to exams. Red flower means last day!! (White is first day, pink for all inbetweens)

Ended on thursday morning, got almost immediately drunk on a single glass of pimms at the Turf, had lousy reception, mom called and i didn't know, got her fretting around thinking i'd killed myself for having a shit paper or was being drunk somewhere. Which were both partially true but paper wasn't as shit as you'd think it'd be. Went out at night to the bridge when MJ died and they were playing loads of his songs.

Friday, mucked around Oxford, lounging in the first breath of sober freedom, doing random shopping and hanging out with everyone before we split up over summer.

Saturday, procrastination of packing up my room catches up with me. Plane to south france leaves at midnight, and had to to sort out my entire room into holiday, home, and storage categories. Couldn't finish, worked Chris up to an annoyed frenzy, and thus drove him nuts shoving stuff into boxes and stuff for me. Apologies..

Holiday.

First stop, Pyrenees hiking. Turned out that the place we were supposed to start from was too ulu to have a proper train station, so we trained to somewhere else on a whim, which was a tiny little village with the Pyrenees as the backdrop.

St. Jean Pied de Port. Stayed in this quaint little home where the owners open their house for backpackers. Amazing breakfasts.

That's Chris and Andrew, who are annoyingly stooping to be somewhat closer to my height. That's the Pyrenees, taken when we trudged up to the top of the hill. Sun was VERY bright, got us all very burnt. Chris peeled horribly like a burnt potato and left a trail of shredded skin all the way to Rome.

Marseille, at one of the many beaches. A&C were trying to take shots of themselves with nude girls in the backdrop.
The basilica, highest point atop Marseille. I had a tummy ache in this photo and Chris is laughing like a shithead cos I needed to take a shit badly. I eventually did, at the bottom of the cross where hopefully no one saw. It was the most hilariously embarrassing thing in my life.

In some pebble beach pool in a random island. It might be the one with the old prison on it.

In Nice. It's like a rich man's playground. Went to the casino where A&C won some cash which was highly needed, since were were spending loads on eating. Casinos are actually so much fun!

Venice, at the famous Rialto market.

There are literally no roads but just waterways. Venice is actually an archipelago! I always thought they were rivers but it's literally little plots of land on the sea. Buses and taxis are boats, with bus numbers. Very cool.

Rome. If you've read angels and demons, this is the Berini statue of Water, where the last cardinal was murdered in.

Ancient Roman ruins. A&C were raving about it because of the computer game Rome Total War or some funny thing like that. It was epic-ly HOT. The weather.

The Colosseum.
A roman pub, where I am slightly tipsy and A is very very red. Brit drinker waste C is perfectly fine. In celebration of my results!

So yeah to sum up there were loads of train rides and sleeping on station floors and airports because of delays and missed connections, but we finally made it back to oxford alive. Hung around for a day, then flew back on my first SQ flight!! on the A380, which isn't that big a deal as expected, though the food is so much better than BA.

So yes, am home. Gotta get my sim card later, which gives me back my old number. Awfully jet lagged now. Went to East Coast lagoon with family (complete with me and my sister!) and had amazinnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg food like or luah, pork belly satay, sambal stingray, bbq-ed chicken wings, coconuts, lala, and I can't quite remmeber what else besides being massively oily and full. Nice.

Hope to get to see everyone soon!

AM ALMOST DONE

2009-06-24T19:06:00.002+08:00

Reason for absence is valid this time. Exams have actually started, I've never written so quickly and horribly in my life, and I think I'm going to have brain cancer from excessive brain cell growth and replication. Well, technically anyway.

Why do I keep putting these shittily geeky intro paragraphs, it must be a congenital defect. Argh what's wrong with me?!

So yes am literally going slightly insane, have very random mood swings, have a very strong repulsion towards anything work-related, and screamed into thin air yesterday cos I just hated working so much that made chris well scared of me.

Papers have been surprisingly okay though, but the thing is everyone finds it okay so it doesn't really make a difference, since they viva about 20% of everyone. Vivas are like oral exams and you do them when you borderline fail and they're not sure if you were just sleepy or actually retarded.

I cannot afford to have one, though both of the cases above apply, since I'll be freaking in the mountains in France innit.

So yeah hopefully things go alright.

Now, one last MCQ (biochem and genetics, and urgh stats!!), then SOCIOLOGY which is a joke THAT MOST PEOPLE FAIL urghhh then I'M DONEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

According to rachel it wont be that ecstatic, and all you want to do is sleep. I can kind of see why. I just want to like, sleep the entire day and not eat, then wake up, pack for travelling, OH AND I NEED TO GO SHOPPING FOR UNDERWEAR, wash my clothes, return my library books, say goodbye to my room, and move ALL my life possessions to college.

I really look forward to doing that!!

And this is random but I really miss huay shan the more I see her! ):

Being Positive

2009-06-10T22:39:00.003+08:00

I can't help but think that's such a corny title, and i am ashamed to admit that i think of being positively charged, like a sodium ion.

But anyway, yes. With regards to studying. Life isn't that bad really, and I kinda know most things, i think, but in quite shoddy blips and blops. So there's definitely a lot more to do to know that I can write 3 out of 10 essays in 3 different subjects, with the content of the syllabus alone being 70 pages of crammed words.

It's nice, i've got great, encouraging friends who are either suffering alongside me (and making me wonder where they get their butt-glue determination from), or else being completely free and annoying but still printing inane things and buying groceries for me, or just taking me out to dinner for jokes and watching disney movies.

-seriously, if you havent watched Aladin or Beauty and the Beast for the last ten years, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING. they're a work of pure genius. Hannah Montannah or however you spell these retardations that go through young minds these days, simply can't compare-

and i've developed the weirdest eating habits. Because I know that my self control is so bad that once i start eating i can't stop, I have evolved to eating once a day, but MASSIVELY. Like yesterday, i ate an entire pack of frosted Shreddies, with one litre of whole milk, and a cranberry white choc muffin, all in one sitting. I WAS SO FULL AFTER THAT I COULDNT WALK. but it really turned off my otherwise insatiable appetite and i couldnt eat for the rest of the day, except for a cup of horlicks every now and then to last me through.

So yes. I should go now. AND STOP ME GOING ON FREAKING FACEBOOK. it annoys me.

2009-06-08T21:00:00.002+08:00

I guess i should blog.

It's been pretty fun actually. I know exams are coming and everything, and there's so much to revise you actually get a shudder of fear, a rush of sympathetic outflow from T1 to L2 spinal nerves (ah hah!), and a reflex lunge for the fridge.

But other than that, the weather's been pretty good, have been trying to sun tan on the quad, scaring the ducks, hanging out with people, fiasco about room ballots (which made me waste an entire day running about the crying my eyes out) , watched the last episode of greys anatomy season 5 which is EPIC, visiting all the restaurants in oxford with 2 for 1 offers, trying to run and failing, and looking forward to holidays.

(:

so it's confirmed - pyrenees hiking, then marseille/nice - south france beach hopping, then venice and rome. Then back to Singapore (:

Now i need to catch up on LOADS of revision to make up for sinning this entire weekend away. huayshan coming down next sunday, im gonna look forward to that and study real hard now so she'll be proud of me!!

Nothing.

2009-05-31T03:56:00.001+08:00

just to say i'm alive. Should be working hard, aim to start soon. Exams in 3 weeks. shit, really?!

oh well.

at least holiday plans are settled and booked.

better be off.

Onward

2009-05-17T19:36:00.002+08:00

I reckon I effectively spend most of my conscious time on earth dreaming about things to look forward to, apart from thinking long and hard of what to eat next (bacon-brie-cranberry panini from Harvey's it is). Especially when faced with things to do that you really dont want to do.

So things to look forward to, in order of immediacy:
1. END OF EXAMS
2. MAGDALEN BALL
3. PYRENEES HIKING + SOUTH FRANCE BEACH + ITALY
4. FREAKING SINGAPOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE + FRRRRRRRIIIIIEEENNDDDSSS + DOG AND FAMILY + FOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD
5. windsurfing and possible attachments in hospital or I could just hang around the brother and annoy him.
6. HONGKONG to meet queens friends!!
7. coming back to singapore for F1 with them!!
8. flying back to oxford for FRESHER'S WEEK

Life can only get better, it's just annoying to get through now.

Actually it's not that bad now, I haven't even started working properly yet, am just moaning at the prospect of it and getting worried at how everyone else seems to know pretty much everything.

Oh I've almost forgotten about all that closet-mugger talk back in VJ times, where everyone seemed not to know anything but actually annoyingly did. Here it's so different, where I can ask my friend a question and they go on and on trying to answer it so that we both learn stuff. Pretty cool.

I like oxford.

The singaporean friends here are amazing people as well. Chun long's my current favourite person to look up to - incredibly caring, centrally focussed on God, goes all out to be kind to people - literally an amazement -, and absolutely full of shit. Glad he's my fake brother in queens.

Okay. Need to try and finish my essays so I'll have, in future, more time to revise when it comes down to it. God help me I dunno how it's possible to even attempt to do an exam in my current state.

Dead Penises

2009-05-15T04:20:00.002+08:00

Well excited about seeing them tomorrow. Kind of see them most weeks already, but never actually prodded at it yet. It's quite a horrible shrivelled thing really, makes you wholly adverse to sex and as my medic friend said "they should get postmortem waxing innit".

Anyways. Life's been pretty dull. Well dull's not the word cos I still do random summery things like punting and picnics and tennis and summer balls, but the thought of exams looming makes you a wee bit psychotic, especially when people are starting to revise and it scares you to think that you think that's being kancheong. Because it really isnt and you should start stuff now, or earlier actually, if you want to pass.

AND i CAN'T afford a viva if not i'll have to like run from france back to oxford and swim across the channel to make it. It'll be unimaginable. shit man I really can't have one.

Besides that. Been doing quite badly work-wise, which isn't really the right time for this. essays been sliding, collections were far from okay, and am realising that my cover for being here is finally being blown and the whole world will finally know I am but after all one BIG FLUKE.

Not fun.

I really should get down to work. No viva please.......

CAN'T WAIT TO GO BACK TO SINGAPORE. Everyone ask me out please, am finally free and unattached and unobliged and potentially will be very bored of windsurfing and baking and shopping and lounging around the house with Elfi.

OMG CAN'T WAIT.

Procrastination

2009-05-05T18:37:00.002+08:00

Hello there. When all is bleak and exams loom ahead and days are getting well monotonous and you get completely horribly bored of lectures that you struggle hard to stay awake in and absorb, you think of happy future thoughts!!

So here's my summer plan so far:

Exams end on week 9 thursday, thats about err 26/27th june i think. Magdalen ball - that's this hugeass ball that's WHITE tie means you've got to wear floor length and gloves and rubbish, but it's going to be such an experience of doing absolute waste-of-time things when you need to waste some time - is on 28th, and then it leaves me a day in the weekend to pack for:

1. Pyrenees! That's the france-spain border along a mountain ridge, so it's about a good 5/6 day hike, hopefully with little places to stay for the night along the way
2. South france beach!
3. Italy

With my queen's friend chris, and andrew chin. Amazing. Less people, more movement, more convenience. Hopefully.

Then I'll fly home on 14th july, when all that's done, for MASSIVE CHILLOUT WITH EVERYONE AND ANYONE. Need to think of stuff to do really, but I really fancy going back to my baking business.

Then from around september, I'll be going to hongkong to meet some college friends there, who're coming back to Singapore to watch f1 and hangout for like a week or so and staying at my place!

Then it's back to the old 'ford next michaelmas. Time really flies.

As of now, DO ESSAY AND REVISE OR YOU WILL FAIL. EPIC-LY.

2009-04-26T04:27:00.002+08:00

I dunno what's wrong with me but I'm sitting here on a sat night, supposed to be at a house party but I rather not for some reason, just cos it's cold at night and I hate being cold after a day in the sun. And I should be studying for medical genetics and biochem. Which I WILL, AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER, right after this.

I so wanna just go back now, go home, dump my stuff on my bed in my room, raid my fridge, find a vj tee shirt and fbts and wear slippers, and walk out the back lane and back into school, for a lit lesson or something, or to just chill in the canteen with people.

Just a lovely thought, when you're meant to be thinking about RNA polymerases.

will. go. mug.

Sunny Gay Times

2009-04-26T04:00:00.003+08:00

When the sun shines here, it seriously looks like paradise. I shall take a picture of the parks where i study/eat/sleep/run at when I next go.

Well my friend and I had the same craving for a raisin scone at the same time, slightly freaky, so we went to patisserie valerie (pastry shop) to get one. Two. And went to the parks just to squat around in the sun. I vaguely remember the mere idea of doing that in singapore would be completely and wholly ridiculously stupid, sweaty, annoying, and besides squatting at the pavement will get you killed and fined.

So anyway. I was sitting on the grass with my delightful scone next to the river, and we were talking about how big the stupid ducks were, and how strange that swans move around in pairs like they're married. When one huge ugly goose-like thing waggled up to us so i tried to shoo the stupid fat thing away. When it made a weird angry gurgle and wobbled treacherously towards me, savouring my precious scone. And tried to eat it! You'd think it'd be easy to just stand up and run away, but no I didn't want to move out of the sun and besides, running away from a bird is a bit gay.

So I kinda like pushed it, and it tried to freaking EAT me, AND my scone. Like literally, it was so horrible and I was completely terrified so i yelped, protected my scone with both hands, and as a result got jabbed at by its ugly beak thing. At which i yelped again and ran away from a bird.

Well, nice end to collections, that. Though there's still 3 hour mcqs on monday, and we've got our first essay due in already. But it's summer, that's always a reason not to do things.

nevermind, football tomorrow! (:

2009-04-23T18:29:00.002+08:00

Exams tomorrow. They're called collections, and I never figured why we need being collected. Then again, I never figured why all texts must end with XXX like porn.

Think I should do okay for them, but that depends on what comes out.

Caleb and junny have officially shifted out of my room now and all the brits have since returned to Florey. It's all nice and summery, and I do my work outside in the sun. Ang moh sun is so much nicer than Singaporean sun, the kind of warmth that's comfortable and dispells cold, not like our sticky, furnace-y, carcinogenic kind of sun.

Have still been a bit shit with my eating problem, so what I do now is like, to just eat LOADS when i want to, till i eventually feel so sick of it I'll naturally stop. Like for the past hour, I ate a bagel, a bowl of coco pops and milk, and 2 bowls of granola oats and milk for breakfast. I just bought the oats and the pack is literally half empty now.

But it's fine cos I'm really really full and don't feel like eating lunch. Besides, eating takes up so much time.

Something more interesting - cant actually say it here, but I feel quite relieved to have made the right decision though it had to hurt someone, but from what I've learnt the sooner the hurt the shorter it lasts.

Kinda miss home, miss being driven around and looking for good food, and mucking around the kitchen annoying Nana before dinner, and reading urban on thursday/friday mornings. Then again, I'm quite happy here, where friends are like family, and ambitions are still a delusion.

Bored.

2009-04-19T02:37:00.002+08:00

Because i can't seem to tag on huayshan's blog, i shall tell the world here instead that i love her and i completely agree with everything she blogs about because i always feel EXACTLY the same way and I love how she makes me feel normal with normal problems. Though i still think the eating thing is way abnormal.

Can't wait for running buddies to be back from various parts of the uk.

Well anyway. Life now isn't that bad despite the fact that i've got to work for collections, and general revision for exams next term. In fact, the only reason why I'm studying is so I can play more during term. It's freaking summer and I want to go kayaking, tennis, lacrosse, and picnics!

Besides, I've got guys in my room.

Well.

Caleb and Junny aren't exactly what you would associate with that image, but its true. Been good distraction plus much entertainment watching dota (have become a lan shop) and playing street fighter and cooking communal meals on the floor. And stealing ALL cereal and drinking full fat milk cos caleb wants to put on weight.

I should be back to work.

So.

2009-04-16T06:56:00.004+08:00

Realise I've been rather absent, Well, went travelling, came back, went to paris, came back, went to london, and here I am. Pretty shit to have nothing else very exciting to look forward to, besides, binging and exams (same thing really). Pictures, rather random, for those who don't check facebook every 5 minutes in the godawful name of procrastination and sheer boredom.

Budapest.

Budapest food market

On the Prague citadel. Thanks, I know it's an amazing shot for my measly standards

Brandenburg gate, Berlin

Rowing at the lake in the gardens of the Versailles! Paris. Junghans, one happy man.

Jane and me, view from Budapest. (why does this shit city keep appearing in my photos!)

Pork knuckle war, Dresden. Pork 1 Caleb 0.

Jason Jane Junghans Jiz. Arch of triumph, Paris. Huge LV store is 2 mins away from here.

Of course, the eiffel. Aptly flanked by two gorgeous hunks. Oh indeed.

Right that's the max I can be bothered with in terms of pictures. Now, am struggling to find focus to study, exams in a week. Pretty shit.

Went to london yesterday and was the best time i had in a um, short time. Randomly met elise and huayshan and it was so lovely omg i was actually so happy i almost cried. Met my queens friend from london as well, well cool.

I know this comes up a lot but i think i have an overeating disorder. Like once i start eating i just can't stop, so i can clear like a bowl of milk and cereal (cereal and kit kats are my biggest vices of the moment), and think, what the hell i've already pushed the too much eating limit, might as well heck - and whack like 2 more bowls. Then scrounge around for more food or go bug kayhwee and his Kettle chips. They're amazing.

Then I feel completely shit after. Like completely. I don't even know why I need to eat so much, and it feels absolutely horrible. And I get all obsessed about it and swear like not to eat anything the next day, and of course never succeed. I wonder how people can be anorexic and just not eat - it's utterly impossible, i almost wish i had to willpower to even think about being anorexic. Actually, just having the willpower to not eat when full is seriosuly good enough. Horrible. And I don't even have huayshan's godlike metabolism so it's BAD and i can feel myself expanding like a lipid droplet.

Sigh. It's actually depressing. I think I'm going to write down what I'll eat a day in advance and paste the list on my wall or something. I can't believe I'm having this conversation with myself. It's such a stupid issue to be messed up with but believe me I'm actually worried for myself, like i spend an unhealthy proportion of my time fussing mentally about feeling guilty from overeating then trying not to eat then failing and becoming more depressed.

Gah. Just needed to clear those depressing thoughts out of my head. And it amazes me how little other girls eat, I actually feel highly ashamed of myself.

Okay I really need to study properly now. The whole problem with myself is seriously discipline, and I clearly lack that.

Sigh. Help me God.

Back

2009-04-03T16:42:00.002+08:00

For now. Off to paris on monday. Trying to do some mugging, isn't going as well i as hoped. Gah. I NEED to mug properly and its damn hard.

One of my best friends had his second year results back and he's freaking smart but missed merits by like 1 mark, I somehow felt his depression so much i cried. Must be so awful.

Nutella binging is bad. No more nutella.

I might actually upload pictures soon. I have this long list of things to do when not mugging, but when not mugging, i waste ALL time facebooking and and eating everything in my room while watching antm on youtube. very good.

I could, for example, steal someone's ocd and actually begin folding my clothes. Or altering my jeans length. Or not eating. Or sorting out my noticeboard. Or go chase ducks downstairs.

Or not blog.

I need to mug!!! PARIS you kill me.

I need some sushi.

Hello from Budapest

2009-03-29T18:33:00.002+08:00

Last stop already, have been to berlin, dresden, prague, vienna before this. Been quite fun, eating all the food (bratwursts, currywursts, whatever wursts), PASTRIES (oh the delight of mine eyes) and roasted giant pork knuckles. You have to see pictures to understand the magnificence of these things.

It's just me and jane left with six guys now, su-e dorcas and rachel have gradually left for smaller and better places i.e. singapore. The eight person room is slowly accumulating male 'musk' (quote jane) which, hm, makes me glad of my olfactory disabilities. Jane thinks tolerance is a virtue, which is good for her.

Basically been up to loads of shopping (3 different tops from 3 different Mangos from 3 different cities - prague, vienna, budapest) (and loads of chocolate and paintings), very many museums, (snore) food fairs and markets, casteles, citadels, the occasional play and horse shows, hopefully a cruise down the river, and of course, card games to the max and loads of shit innuendoes by virtue of male-domination and consequently much rolling of eyes, army talk, pull ups in the train, climbing monumental statues and getting scolded in funny languages, and fighting for the toilets.

Kinda miss home, am getting very worried about revision, and cant wait for end of next term where im going home to windsurf and to the mediterranean before that. And just general no need for studying, plus perving at incoming freshers. Good thing guys will still be a year older, so this year's gender devastation can be slightly alleviated.

Cheers to daniel soon who i just noticed is a follower of this rubbish place. Missing everyone much!

I'm Mugging

2009-03-15T04:17:00.002+08:00

... and going to berlin in a day. It stresses me out actually, the amount of traveling I'll be doing, cos it leaves me with absolutely no time for revision at all, and I have collections at the start of next term on Organisation of the body (like anatomy, histology, endocrinology, embryology, whateverology) and Physiology and pharmacology (like cardiac/respiratory physics, in essense, and drugs involved in doing funny things).

And, 9th week of next term is the first major uni exams, the ones where you wear those gawd-awful gowns (sub-fuscs) with the motar board cap and black pumps and japanese tourists take pictures of you looking awfully stressed and annoyed. It's pretty distressing thinking about it, cos my tutors think I'm sort of a genius because my collections this term were damn good, and now the pressure is ON.

I am not a genius, for starters, I just happened to learn the right things. In all fairness. The rest were just er, dunno, did less tactful spotting. And the uni exam questions are going to be so much more unpredictable, which means you basically need to know EVERYTHING to do well.

Oh well. I'm just laying out revision schemes now so I can have a peace of mind in germany/austria/france. I am actually really really excited.

Sexy times.

P.S.

2009-03-13T09:53:00.002+08:00

End of term event on a thursday night, it's literally the end of term already. It's been so odd, it's been so quick, i can't really think of anything that actually defines the term. Last term would be um, unsure and exploratory-ish, if you know what i mean. This term is just .. comfortable. Tennis. Park end wednesdays. Grey's anatomy. Medic chilling. Waffle making (which is doing incredibly well btw.)

I think it's quite a blessing for me that I don't find ang moh interaction a problem at all, like some of my best friends are completely english and it's great. Though singaporeans are really on a different level altogether, a much deeper sense of comaraderie that no matter what, you can never have with brits.

I'm going travelling in a few days, gotta pack away all the stuff in my room, sort out my revision plans, and cross my fingers and hope we don't have many collections at the start of next term..

At the same time, I wish I could go home and chillout too.

Gotta sleep, christian union at queens early in the morning. I have to get back into the swing.

Term's Ending!

2009-03-09T05:17:00.002+08:00

Not really a good thing though, normality is comforting, and I've been embracing it comfortably. Way too comfortably to be honest, and I've kinda slugged into a mass of sluggy slime where most of the time I just can't be arsed to do anything. Literally, anything. Not even to put a spoon on my desk back to the cupboard, let alone washing up, laundry, walking downstairs to pass people things, pay people money, chase for people's money...

It's called being compulsively disordered. As opposed to OCD where you feel you HAVE to do something before you get a peace of mind, I feel that I CANNOT do ANYTHING and thus NEVER have a peace of mind.

Oh, except eating. Eating is the only thing I actually bother to move my ass for. And then it lulls into worse depression and it makes me eat more and the cycle continues. And it's not just normal eating, it's COMPLETE JUNK. eg, 2 litres of tesco's vanilla ice cream in half an hour? I wasn't even depressed/stressed/doing work, but just suffering from my compulsive disorder of not doing anything else besides that.

Not to mention the kebabs, COOKIES, muffins, and the random junk you find around here. It's really nice while it lasts, but the effects are literally tragic. As of now, I have decided to detox for a week.

Okay enough about fatness.

So yes term's ending, and I have this grand plan of doing some good revision layouts in this last week where there's hardly any lectures and crap, because I'll be effectively travelling my entire easter away while the ang moh medics will be mugging their asses off for collections and proper exams at the end of next term.

It's quite a lot to learn, actually; next term, 6 weeks of teaching, and 2 weeks pure revision. In those 2 weeks, you've got to learn up properly the previous 6 weeks worth of stuff, ALL of this term, and ALL of last term. And that's really no joke. And that's only core stuff. There's still random experimental evidence and clinical relevance to put into the essays.

So help me God.

And I feel quite a lot better now that I've got no obligations. Not like I desperately crave for freedom of sorts for whatever slutty purposes - i don't. It's just a sort of relief knowing that I'm not screwing up anyone, and I can take my time and open my eyes. And I love being friends, it's so chilled and cool. Hope sentiments are the same both ways though.

Waffles, Boys, Work, Holidays

2009-03-03T21:01:00.002+08:00

To sum up life now. Hm, it could even be interpreted as um, making boys work for holiday waffles.

First up, I got a waffle maker as a birthday present, and i'm selling waffles for 2 pounds each to raise funds for SKIP.

Next, what the hell is SKIP. It's Students for kids international projects and i'm going with some oxford medics to a northen thailand hilltribe in the summer, like 25th july to 15th aug, to teach kids about basic healthcare, sex-ed and nutrition. And gotta raise funds for the charity itself that helps with the general tribe welfare/education/ societal integration.

So that's why i'll be back in sing only after that, possibly end aug, cos we're going travelling around thailand together after that.

Holidays: it's 7th week already and hols start after 8th week. I'm going to berlin, dresden, prague, vienna, budapest, dunno where else, from 16th to 30th march, with my birthday in berlin! Then paris from 6th to 11th april, and lake district for overnight mountain climbing the day after that. Which leaves me no time for revision (I've got exams next term, big exams..). So,

Work, is what i HAVE to start on this and next week. Day to day essays and lectures and crap have sort of dwindled down now, so I have this grand plan to work on revision, and at least generally sort my life out. I won't go clubbing anymore this term, just for that. Not that i've been a lot, it's just wednesdays that are absolutely crazy and it's quite nice and social at this place called park end where all my queens/medic/completely random friends all happen to congregate at and chill out.

Boys. Can't really say much about it, but I am just a completely horrid person and no one should ever date me because they all live to regret the hell out of it. I hate myself, but that's the way it goes.

2009-03-01T23:28:00.002+08:00

I'm good.

The term's almost over, going holidaying with my favourite people, trying to sort out my last minute work to make things easier to revise for next term's collections and FIRST YEAR EXAMS, but yeah.

just though i'd come here to say that I do miss my home friends so much, and my home, but i'm just good at blocking out things and focusing on the now. i just wanna think about work and nothing else. By the way i'm quite into tennis now, it's SO much fun in the cold.

I've got work waiting for me, I'll just not think about anything else. Guess at some point i'll try to make a better effort at keeping in contact. expect lengthy emails from me in the near future!

Suffering is the Mother of Happiness

2009-02-16T11:07:00.002+08:00

I'm well high and smiley at 3am in the morning just because I've been profoundly productive despite a hectic-ly eventful valentine's weekend - 2 essays in two days, 2 hours for the first (easy-ish) one and like 3 plus hours for the second (breathing mechanics; wth) to be concise. That, my friend, has been my absolute biggest achievement in life.

No kidding. It freaking takes a hell lot of effort to sit your ass down doing something with the time you could be spending chilling around with friends or watching shows or just generally not using brains, instead of suffering in an essay with your head swirling with completely random facts from a myriad of different (and very very thick) books. SO YEAHH I FEEL GOOD.

Well the trick is to completely change environment. I did it all in my friend's room, which was amazing.

AND had an extremely good weekend as well, exploring all the random food places with homies, college people chillouts and greys anatomy marathons, sleepovers, and a potential date with college husband, with a honeymoon (to sainsbury's). To top that, my anti-junkfood pact has FINALLY ceased and it's been a blast. (: I don't even feel guilty about all the shit i eat now, which is fantastic!

Good start to fifth week. Blues are a myth.

Lacrosse match tomorrow too! Good times

I TakeThat Back

2009-02-12T04:01:00.002+08:00

I guess. Well, a little. Not sure about the missing bit, but life isn't all that rosy peachy to be honest. There's obviously lots and lots of work to be done, people to deal with, stuff to settle, upsets that happen...

Like cycling. I HATE CYCLING. It's so much more effing tiring that running I SWEAR. So many stupid hills, a bag that's forever too heavy, people that cycle way too fast and swear at me, huge buses that can topple you with just zooming past an inch away, and it's such a pain to lock the damn thing everywhere. Gah.

I've been so grumpy in the mornings with things I don't like doing, like practicals, where everyone seems to not know anything so it's all messed up and i HATE being messed up especially if it means being late for LUNCH. It's really quite annoying when people don't know what I don't know because I'm just a lazy leech. Haha.

I guess it would be nice to be back at home with my old friends, and I really miss huay shan and liesel and people and afzal farah char man hao and everyone else that I've been so comfortable with, but I guess I've just come to accept that this is my new life and I'm probably going to live and work here even after my shitlong course.

It's horrible, but the indifference I feel is surely worse than anything I could ever do.

Snow

2009-02-09T05:49:00.003+08:00

Not a very flattering depiction of the perfectly picturesque snowy whiteness that it actually is, but the truth is it's freaking hard to use your fingers when they are going blue and your fingernail bed has somewhat solidified into crystalline form.

So yes it's snowing.

And its HORRIBLE. i HATE snow. I've literally slipped and fallen 27 times to date, in 3 days that it's snowed, and it's not even funny, and I'm quite bruised and angry, AND even later than ever for lectures and shit just because it takes like a minute to sink your feet into really thick snow and yank it out again. AND even LONGER to tread super carefully when walking on ice sheets while thinking of getting ice skates in place of feet, especially when it doesn't work out and you fall flat on your bum anyway.

Besides that, it's been alright. I'm on a non-junk food pack with Chris Tang (who happens to be named ChrisT in my phone) for a week, and I'm determined not to lose because I can't afford to pay for someone else's dinner in that unfortunate outcome. It means, no cookies, muffins, chocolate, random pastries, ice cream, kebabs, chips, ... FOR THE WEEK. it ends on thursday night where I have decided to get a cookie monster (2 monstrous cookies that sandwich a fat blob of good ice cream) for dinner and a white choc cranberry muffin for dessert. Cookies are my greatest weakness and my best friends.

I can't wait. Shit, this is damn bad. It's not as if I have been starving, just been living off sandwiches, old rice, cereal, milk, pita bread, and A LOT of these. Which makes me think the pact isn't really a good idea cos I eat more to compensate. ZZZ.

I haven't done laundry for like a month. Don't ask.

I'm going travelling with the gang in easter for my BIRTHDAY! Berlin, dresden, prague, budapest, vienna, in an order I cannot remember, for 3 weeks, and mug for exams back in good ol' oxford for the following 3 weeks.

Yay.

As an aside, I feel really guilty, because I don't miss anything at home. Not even food - well, just a bit. But I won't think about it because it's too painful. Say the thing I miss the most is... um, reading urban on fridays in my kitchen and having breakfast for 2 hours is at level 10, which is max.

Most things are, honestly, 5 or lower. Even worse, I don't really miss people, at all, which is really worrying... Seriously. Can you make me miss you guys? Man this is such a bitchy feeling but it's sadly true :(

It's just too nice a balance of work, friends and fun here, where I've decided on the people I like and don't like. It's too different a world. I guess if i was back there, things would be the same, but it's just impossible to feel like that here, and I feel guilty cos I don't reciprocate.

This is such a random outflow of thoughts.

I went to Bicester Village over the weekend for cheap branded shopping and got amazing deals and good stuff (: I HAVE to sort out my room at some point, it looks, as usual, like a bomb went off.

Hello again.

2009-02-01T22:53:00.003+08:00

Strangely enough, life's been good. It's scary.

Had lots of chinese new year gatherings, oumssa and otherwise. Last week was the fresher gang, I actually made stuff in my rice cooker, it was amazing. It's useless being modest here, because I honestly think I have a good brain for food. Like, I don't get why people have to learn how to cook, isn't it instinctive? I know that what I do WILL be nice, cos stuff i cook up is made up of nice stuff. I epitomize culinary genius. Nice.

Like, I've got a toaster/grill machine thing, a rice cooker, and a sandwich kiap thing i stole from the cupboards (3 out of the 5 banned things in Florey, but I haven't set off the fire alarm yet so it's fine) and I made like a sorta claypot rice thing, just with cooking the rice, toasting mushrooms in aluminium foil, and minced beef with chopped onions and garlic, and mashed it all in with soya sauce into the rice, made slightly mushier with eggs stirred in while it steamed.

It was actually amazing, really.

Anyway. Been chilling out with friends, I really love my life here. It's a little closetted world, where you choose what you are by what you do, say, and hang out with.

Meanwhile, it's christian union's Mission Week, where there are talks and events going on every day, and it's massive, and it's really a huge eye opener at how evangelism is done here, and the impact it actually makes on people. And the coolest thing is just how convinced and assured christians here are about their faith. Non-christians in Oxford are atheist in a whole new level, with concrete reasons for disbelief, and evangelism takes a massive amount of conviction. It brings ideals up to a whole new level.

And, apparently it seems that I have so much fun and don't have any work to do, which is utter rubbish. I have a good time and everything, but work is like an overhanging shroud weighing on your conscience and is one of the things that won't go away like how you can't scratch out an unripe scab. But it's fine.

It was super cool to cut out the chick embryo's heart at lab the other day, and watch it beat under the dissection microscope. At the stage where it looks exactly like a little human fetus as well. Amazing.

" Laplace's Law: internal pressure is proportional to wall tension and inversely proportional to internal radius.

... But when the heart reaches a much larger size,
This leads to heart failure, and often demise.
The relevant law is not Starling's, alas,
But the classic law of Lecompte de Laplace.
Your patient is dying in decompensation,
So reduce his blood volume or call his relation. "

Haha.

Tralalaa

2009-01-24T19:05:00.002+08:00

Life's been good to start the term with. Did relatively well for the mcq bit of lecture assessments, had a great time at medic's curry with the hilarious escapades, only one essay which I did okay for, chilled out with home people a lil, chinese new year plans on the go, had an AMAZING superhero bop afer kayhwee's birthday, which was somehow just really really fun when everyone goes crazy together.

Intend to use today to work so I can free up next week for more fun times. Lacrosse friendly next sat, can't wait!

Oh i was joggin with a friend 2 days ago, when suddenly I remembered I had Provost's Collections in like half an hour (Provost is like the Dean, though we have a Dean too, so no one knows what a Provost is for) (Collections are presumably just like a meeting), so we just continued running but the dude died half way and i had to lug him home and run around by myself, waiting for the meeting at 5.30, and decided to explore oxford on foot in the meantime.

And got well lost, in some park that led to somewhere totally random, with very big angry ducks that rather scared me.

So well, I turned up, eventually, back at Queens, dashed through the gardens to the Provost's House, rang the bell multiple times and then resorted to banging haphazardly on the door. At which it creaked open and a man in pajamas opened it, and awkwardly surveyed a very flustered, sweaty and slightly manic me in shorts and a windbreaker.

The Provost: "um, hi!"
Me: " i'm so sorry *pants* i''m *pants* awfully late!"
The Provost: " oh hm well you're just under a week early, it's all good .."
Me: "Oh."

So there. It's next thursday.

Well, i must be off to haemodynamics. In all honesty, who even BOTHERS with the laws of blood flow as long as it freaking flows?!

Alive

2009-01-20T02:43:00.002+08:00

Am basically blogging for the sake of blogging, and just because it's the first day of term and there were 2 lecture assessments and an anatomy lecture. Not a good thing when the guy says I hope you lot have had a nice slacky term in Michaelmas, now's time for some WORK! - in essence, when Michaelmas has been ANYTHING but slack.

This is where typical people swear, but me with my newfound interest in studying the human body, violently smile in wide-eyed anticipation and shiver in manic glee. Ooooh, you can milk my brain juice.

Well. First mistake of term: left stack of notes on home continent. Verdict: not very intelligent. No more brain juice for you. Second mistake: got pennied (if someone drops a penny in your glass while you hold it, you have to down the shit) with a mugful of bailey's. Verdict: it was amazing with milk and ice. Worth the calories, but no no no more drink for me.

Been a fun weekend, met the home gang lots for church, family dinner and random, makes the bone-chilling *insert swear* cold very slightly more tolerable.

Someone should invent anti-wind spray.

Life2

2009-01-16T03:58:00.002+08:00

So i've been teleported back to my second life. It's an existence complete independent of my old life in Sing. Which is I guess both good and bad. Essay exams are tomorrow, but they're quite inconsequential I don't really get what people are stressing about for.

Well. It's been very very cold, possibly around 0 degrees, I think? Can't judge temperature like the brits, besides differentiating between 16 degrees in my air con-ed room and 30 degrees when I open the door to fizzy heat emanting from the road outside in blinding midday.

Nice to see familar faces again too.

Saw my heroine addict "friend" outside Tesco's again, looking as vein-y and black-eyed as ever.

Anyway. Have resolved to do things that I only REALLY want to do, this term. Last term I sometimes had to force myself to go out clubbing or something just because people persuaded me. Am usually too lazy to change, move, climb stairs, walk 41426781987 miles to a club in feet-killing heels, pay for cloakroom charges because I wrap myself up like a myelinated axon, waste money on drinks, get a horrid rash and a very temporary high, get trampled on in the dancefloor, and ending up with feet too sore to walk, and accompanying very drunk people back home, occasionally bumping into fat ladies that shit on the road (note skid marks in the morning) of freak central read: Magdalen bridge.

Thus, I shall only go if a REALLY good gig is on, or if I have absolutely nothing better to do, or if it's a good friend's birthday, and if I feel insulated enough.

Oh stop procrastinating already dammit.

Going Back

2009-01-13T13:53:00.002+08:00

Leaving tonight!

In all honesty I can't wait to get back to Florey, where all my things are in a (relatively) small, (relatively) organised space, where friends are around for kachiau-ing 24/7, where I live and control my own life and do my own work and buy my own fruit and fibre. It's always easier for the one leaving, and I feel terribly guilty.

Though I do cherish the things I leave behind, it's only because I'm leaving that I cherish what I have.

As an aside, not as if I going to marry anyone or anything. Uncalled-for fiasco. Blank.

2009-01-12T17:56:00.003+08:00

It's monday evening already, and I'm flying off again tomorrow night.

This is iggy mark lim, who's in a spot of very unfair trouble with my parents precisely because of this kinda publicity. And I'm to blame, for not defending and explaining only what's right.

This is the guy who shames guys who think they're gentlemen. Who sends me home unfailingly, despite a 2hour ++ bus ride from extreme east to extreme west. Who graciously overlooks my many many flaws. Who spends wayyy too much than necessary on me and makes me immensely guilty but optionless. Who I ashamedly make very worried. Who does the sweetest, most unexpected things, and bakes amazing cookies. Who makes my sides ache and eyes roll. Who values my moral values that I struggle to keep to. Who values family, love and life, and is ultimately selfless and makes me wither in comparison.

Who my parents think are unworthy of me because he's going to be a fighter pilot and I'm (possibly) going to be an oxford grad doctor. The derisive tone used around the house I blatantly ignore, because I cannot explain anything to unreceptive ears and preconceived ideas.

To be honest, this isn't my home anymore, and he belongs here, and I should by right be open to other people in my new sphere of life. It's only logical.

But for now, this is someone who I've got so much to learn from, character-wise. I've never really told him "I love you" because I know enough to know that I don't know what love is. But if it comprises admiration, respect, a feeling of being moved to tears, and a sense of complete security, I guess this is as close as it gets.

Rewind

2009-01-07T02:31:00.002+08:00

If I just ended A levels again, with an unbelievably and orgasmically empty ten months ahead of me, (again), I would, probably, do something much more productive than mooching around Singapore shopping eating and occasionally working.

like,

trying to properly set up my shop. I honestly think I could make something out of it..

Well guess it's too late for much now.

I have this secret (not anymore) ambition of being like a master creator of everything I use/wear/eat etc, like, designing and sewing my own clothes, cooking for my family, baking stuff that only i can, designing my own house, writing my own book.

Omg i'll be a walking Elizabethan advert.

Oh well. It's back to collections swotting. I wish I hadn't thought it was going to be easy cramming for 6 essays and a lecture assessment. I must remember, with low brain RAM and a penchant for fun and food, it is NOT good to leave things this late.

zzzz.

Eating Disorder

2009-01-03T22:50:00.002+08:00

I was actually going to tag that I'd be leaving my blog forever and ever now that it has been (and has probably been for some time now) invaded by entities. But oh well after some thought i realise there's really nothing to be dodgy about, is there.

Anyway. I think I have an eating disorder. No one lives like this. See, there's something really wrong with me: I think about food 5/6th of the day. I cannot go for more than 1.5 hours without eating something. I stare at all food along the streets and everywhere. I love thinking about what next to eat. I eat even though I'm full just because I need to taste something new. It's like sodium ion influx through voltage-gated channels - positive feedback. The more I eat, the more I eat.

Seriously. So from now, I'm going to tell the world what I've eaten, in the hope that the horror will rub off me. Starting with today:

1. two crystal jade breads - one floss bun and some cheese/ham thing that was literally half a loaf
2. 5/6th of the largest sized starbucks white choc mocha frap with whipped cream and almost half a bottle of that chocolate powder thing they have
3. a medium Yami frozen yoghurt
4. pasta, potato salad, and a slice of mushroom pizza
5. apple
6. one cup of milk with 12 famous amos cookies (i dunno why but i counted)
7. beard papa cream puff.
8. 2 pineapple tarts.

Man it's hard being so exactly honest with what you've eaten... it's like being in a confession box, i'd think.

Shit this binge MONTH has to END.

My new year's (okay maybe for Hilary term) resolution is to eat ONE junk item only ONCE a week. That means NO large AlternativeTuckShop cookie every time i walk pass it to lectures, NO begging for coins for kitkats and twix from the MSTC vending machine after every hour, and NO snacking on Moneeb's food at every other time of the day.

Do remind me. It's a disorder, and it's SERIOUS.

Being Rational

2009-01-01T23:03:00.002+08:00

When depressed, announce it to the world, in the miserable hope of feel-good sympathy, empathy, and all the nanny-pammy-everything's-gonna-be-alright-s; and at the same time GORGE (you have NO idea) on random food, for temporary relief and eventually pile on the depression.

When in reality, all I need is a bitchslap of reality, and some rationality: First, suss things out. Okay.

I'm depressed because
1. I have loads to revise, and I have hardly started.
2. I don't have the books I need because they were too heavy to bring back.
3. My life here is perfect - family, friends, love, comfort, food, sun, dog, tank tops and shorts - if you ignore 1. and 2.
4. I have to leave on jan 13th.
5. It'll be cold and I have to re-immerse into the brit world.
6. I need to start shipping things over but it's too awful to start.
7. I keep eating and eating because I am an escapist.

I also have an escapist vision:

I quit school, and build on my dream of setting up my home bakery. Upset parents disown me, I philosophise about how degrees, renown and education shouldn't be the reason for them to be proud of me. They say I'm stupid, and it's because of the influence of someone. I then stomp off in a teary huff and stay in jurong. Blah blah, Get married, have kids, design my own house, with a walk-in fridge, shoe room and tepanyaki counter. If bakery doesn't earn, SAF should.

Then comes the bitchslapintheface:

God doesn't give out places in oxford med for nothing. How can I even think of wasting His grace? The easy way out is usually the wrong option, and there are so many things I can learn from life there, besides obviously the education per se.

I'll learn to deal with friendships, about multi-tasking, challenge myself to live above the standards that culture imposes, how to deal with failure, that smart people are seriosuly smart, and that I am the lowest as low can ever get; of perseverance when it means essay deadlines and library camps, how not to keep eating awful food, how to be wary of endless parties, to be proud of the fact that I stand for God in what I do, say, and behave, how to cheat the washing machine and not dry clothes on the heated floor, to buy the cheapest groceries, about accounting everything for myself, every pence I spend, everything I need.

This life isn't mine, it's about showing the world how God has brought me through stuff that I couldn't possibly do on my own. That a nobody like me can stand up for what's right and pull through it. That's what this is about.

I've been trying to figure out what exactly is holding me back; is it pheromones, laziness, a hazy picture of a perfect world? Probably. I need to be clear of my priorities now. Again, it isn't healthy to get too attached to what isn't certain.

I have a week to sort out my life, ship stuff over, freaking start some solid work. I want to do it, because I know it's good for me, God will be happy with me, and my parents will not have wasted 19 years of time, money and effort on someone who is utterly self-centred.

Action potentions and voltage-clamps, ima get you nailed. Go go go!

Escape

2008-12-28T17:46:00.003+08:00

To be honest, I'm stressed. There're too many people to meet, and it'll be fine if I wasn't going back. But I am and that's what I tell myself every day, just so I remember that this cannot be my home any longer, to remind myself that too much attachment here is bad.

I'm burdened. I know it's no one's fault, and this huge fiasco is mainly a product of circumstances and expectations, but i'm honestly very tired of everything, and the irresponsible escapist in me just cringes away and turns to the fridge. I've had almost enough of endless nagging, advising, correcting, misjudging. All for my sake i know, but here I allow myself to react without restraint:

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M NOT STUPID.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

AGAIN, LEAVE ME ALONE, NO ONE'S MAKING ANYTHING ANY EASIER.

I want to nod and agree just to avoid all this nonsense.
It's been a long while but I just want to watch the waves with you and do nothing without a worry in the world, without work to do, people to please, a country to fly back to.

What foolish thinking.

Every. Single. Time. There must always be problems. It's a curse. I cannot do anything about it. It's too much for me, would you say I'm giving up?

Food.

2008-12-27T11:09:00.002+08:00

Back from the dead. Sorry, been too busy eating. It's been amazing, I love buffets, dim sum, those cheap hawker breads, wafer kiapped ice cream, and loads more ice cream in tubs, roti prata, chilli crab, or luat, tang yuan, crystal jade, dot dot.

It's really nice to be home, with all the love around, where i don't have to do my own laundry and dishes and fix my own spoiling things, with my own fridge to raid. But at the same time I know I have a new home now, it's unwise to be too attached to being here. And, you can walk around in shorts. WHAT A GIFT, honestly.

Been doing loads of meeting up, can't wait for later when the lot of random people crash over here at home, I do hope there'll be enough food. Thanks rachel for the prospective 9 coconuts!

Too many unbloggables, I'm guessing, well not really but i'm too lazy to do anything about it.

LetJag

2008-12-10T04:35:00.002+08:00

haha this reminds me of HeeBoon-BeeHoon, the crap saniel doon came up with years ago. anyway.

I CAN'T SLEEP. i've been effectively awake for about 3 days straight but adrenaline has just been pumping, and i have been constantly eating without breakfast, cos there's no "fast" to break. well. few things to say.

1. MOSQUITOES MISS ME. fk them.
2. i just saw a lizard, amazing.
3. i can wear shorts with the window open. awesome.
4. can't wait for tomorrow to see people besides my family!
5. i want to eat all those breads you buy from cheap hawker centre bakeries from breakfast (if i eventually "fast")
6. my mother has a blog.
7. i think she is peanuts.
8. it's quite hilarious.
9. http://soarliketheeagle.blogspot.com - it really is a good thing to read though, no kidding. way better than this useless shit.
10. i've agreed with jason that being attached is to someone you will potentially marry, and dating is just the KIV-ing. I've decided that I'm dating, and God will one day tell me who my perfect guy is.

Though the cookies and flowers were insanely sweet I almost exploded. Surprisingly addictive boy-made cookies too it was amazing i swear i almost exploded (literally) as well. argh.

BACK

2008-12-10T00:00:00.002+08:00

in Singapore at last!

Trip from oxford to birmingham was treacherous, with malfunctioning luggage that flipped over every 6 secs (no kidding) and after much infuriated kicking at the stupid thing, I managed to jam up one of the wheels so it had to be literally dragged down broad street-george street-train station 16th century cobblestones like an annoying block of gold or something, much to the amusement of tang ("heh heh you're an angry little person"), WITH a violin AND a laptop, AND plans for shopping.

Birmingham was nice, chilled out with huayshan and her lovely friends, was quite hard to believe we were actually waltzing around in england together in the frost and bloody cold. Threw away the mothering luggage and got myself an amazing mountain-climbing backpack.

That turned out to be immensely heavy, but at least I could semi-functionally travel without kicking and swearing at it. Coolest of cool, met lynn who i was on the phone with ON the train from b'ham to london, was the most amazing coincidence ever, and very very funny.

London: deb ong's family is the cutest in the world, and let me stay with them in this amazing service apartment, with the softest bed covers and an actual functioning toilet, and basically accomodating a dishevelled tramp as i was/am (though with an upgraded form of portable storage).

Shopped. Shopped. Flight, awfully long and boring, ate all the snacks provided in the big box in the plane galley, ended up home eventually.

Home.

Though, I do miss Oxford, and the people that make it my new home. I just realised, i didn't even say goodbye to sapph! :(

SEE YOU IN A BIT

2008-12-06T02:35:00.002+08:00

i can't believe i'm packing up my room (it's mindblowing how massive it is and how much stuff i've unimaginably accumulated) to go HOME (:

well almost anyway, going to birmingham to visit HUAYSHAN OMG I'M SO EXCITED. then down to london to see lynn, and deb ong who's holidaying! THEN I'LL BE OFF FOR HOME!! back on the 9th of dec, about 6pm i think.

vj ppl and whoever else i know and who MIGHT want to meet me again, i'm having a huge sleepover at my place some time in the near future. So please be alive (:

YAY OMG. can't wait to get a TAN. Gotta sort out work and lecture stuff too, but somehow I don't mind doing it in the least bit.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EVERYONE! IF YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU ANYTHING PLEASE DROP A NOTE PLEASE.

Christmas Love

2008-12-01T07:56:00.002+08:00

The Christmas Cracker thingy at the JCR wasn't much, besides lots of talented performances and ben willis getting entertainingly drunk and amusingly pesky in the library after; but it was awesomely Christmassy, the carols, love, mulled wine, mince pies... it was like home!

Right now, I've been literally sitting here doing absolutely nothing, i repeat, NOTHING, for the past 4.5 hours. Okay, besides scavenging around for junk as I always do. I've had nothing but junk today, like:

1. Rotting cheese and expired chicken slices on bread made into a toastie using the stolen toastie-making machine

2. Chocolate bar from church

3. Second moomoos milkshake - chocolate digestives- flavoured.

4. Large soft white choc cookie

5. Large sainsbury blueberry muffin

6. about 10 slices of toast with nutella and butter

7. 3 clementines and a milo

...and i'm still hungry. think i'll make another milo.

Man. I'm literally sick. Embryology doesn't help very much; but i wouldnt know, i really need to friggin start doing it

2008-11-29T02:23:00.002+08:00

LAST WEEK OF TERM!!!
there's too much to blog about, and anyway my fingers are freezing up and i can't really feel anything so i can't type.

I just had this awesome milkshake: kinder bueno (white) and oreo. amazing.

So tired, but very fulfilled. Goodnight, in a week I'll be waking up in my home again. (:

Hello White People

2008-11-22T09:19:00.003+08:00

Okay shit I now realise that the florey people actually come here, which is BAD cos it means I can't bitch about them anymore HEH HEH. ( not that I do, really, they ARE actually nice, like, really. Full stop ) Like, I used to think everyone here was "bad" because of all that massive drinking, but actually it's just a part of life really. Not my life though, I just can't, because I get pissed drunk on 2 shots and a cocktail.

Which doesn't do very well.. but hm.

And by the way, I'm perfectly fine (: Very sleepy, shitload of work. And, I scored a goal in ice hockey omg how amazing am I?

Hi anna, jack, moneeb, whoever else that comes here; just to reiterate - I LOVE YOU GUYS and my friends from Singapore say hi as well. Yay.

-burp-

Home

2008-11-20T04:39:00.002+08:00

I wanna go home :(

I've been out for almost 6 weeks now, i wanna go home. I've just been away for a bit, it's time to come back and sit on my broken com chair and watch tv and disturb Nana for dinner, and end up cooking my own stuff.

I'm really tired of being who I'm not, of getting used to fitting in, of keep having to talk to people, of being obliged to go out. And of the massive workload, which isn't even the main issue.

Deb your blog is so emo, but you don't realise how nice it is to exist in somewhere home really is home. Other problems are really secondary.

Don't mind me, it's just a phase really, I'm just very spaced out, mentally drawn out, worried, guilty, missing, in a land I can't figure out, where the weather is awful and cold and the food fucking sucks. but it'll pass.

At least there's still ice hockey, and I'm just human. I need some superpowers.

Flippase and Floppase

2008-11-18T03:45:00.002+08:00

Life's going alright, it's already 6th week, and I'm quite looking forward to Queen's medics social thing cos every single person's going to be there. No hm I'm just excited cos I get to wear the dress I got from Daniel Yam (on purpose cos no one else in this part of the world has anything from there), and it's lovely and long. People these days try to be so alternative by wearing short slutty things for black tie events, but it's just become a norm now. But I digress.

I have to make a statement, here it goes:

I actually enjoy doing work.

No really, as in, okay last time I might have done work for exams and everything but I really hated getting through it and the word SIAN was literally etched into my intracellular matrix, if I were a fat cell. Now, there isn't really much time to be on your own and get proper work done because there's just so much better things to be doing, and SO many people to hang out with. It's great. Then when you've been having too much fun you realise that you really should get down to work and deadlines. So when I actually get back home, I honestly think to myself, yes finally time to do essay yay! And it really is fulfilling when your effort pays off in them. Like I know how to get a good essay out now, I hope.

Aside from that, I think I'm torn into a weird social conflict. One half of me is in the good people gang, but sometimes i think they're just a tad too good for me and their beliefs are really really stringent, which is very slightly disconcerting. And the other half is in the bad people gang, where I literally mean bad: like weed and drinking kind of bad. But to be fair they're really nice people and the bad things aren't that often. And I don't do weed, duh.

So naturally, the bad people are like the cooler sorts, supposedly, but I don't really think so. And I honestly don't purposely hang around with them cos it looks like I'm trying to be cool. Because 1) I already am cool. (HAHHAHAHAHAHA whatever thanks) 2) I'm scared of drinking and 3) they waste too much time clubbing. I'd rather be out playing lacrosse than clubbing.

I love blogging to myself, though I hardly think anyone actually visits anymore, cos you can't really relate to what's happening over here unless you see it for yourself. It's so hard to fathom as well, it's an entirely new universe and the dynamics of everything is just different.

Oh well.

PS i really suck at anatomy, it's bloody hard to remember every single stupid thing. I should do something about it.

PPS i need to run tomorrow down to the boat house, the ducks there are HUGE and they don't make way for you when you run past, so you have to dodge them fat squiggly bottoms to get through the path. Amazing, they're just ducks

By the way, the title consists of names of real enzymes, can't remember where in

5/8ths Done

2008-11-11T06:19:00.003+08:00

Yay i'm already in fifth week! Out of 8th weeks as you might have guessed. Apparently there's something called fifth week blues, and to start it off, there was a freaking fire drill at 7.30am today. I kinda heard a bell somewhere but i honestly thought it was my alarm, and I never wake up to my alarm because i'm a pig.

So basically, I was dragged out of bed this morning by random fire-drill men. I had a subconscious idea that I was getting raped, and remember saying "let go of me, bitch!" a lot while they literally dragged me down the steps.

Not a good start to a day with 9am lectures. AND then it started rain. I swear rain here is the shittiest rain in the history of man. It's awfully windy and the rain JUST DOESN'T STOP. I mean, it's fine if it showers for a bit but come on just freaking stop la! It's disgustingly cold to sprint to lectures in puddles with cars splashing muddy road water on you for fun. I know they do it on purpose the shitheads.

You can tell I'm a bit peeved. I get anal when there's not enough lecture notes as well cos I don't have a printer, and I missed a lecture on enzymes today cos I think i'm brilliant at enzymes already. Not. It was just still &*)*^^*%$ raining and I couldn't drag my lazy bum out from the comfy lunch hall into the horrid rain again.

Okay. Gotta run. Every single minute has its own agenda I swear! I miss slacking about like a fat slug at home :(

2008-11-08T07:49:00.001+08:00

i miss home :(

Sex and Dead Bodies

2008-11-07T06:46:00.003+08:00

So I should update more?

Well the weeks are flying by so fast really, it always seems to be a friday, which is the worst day ever: lecture, lab, lecture, tutorial, but after that the fun starts. Friday days are the worst, and friday nights are the best. JCR stuff in the beer cellar, get to see the rest of the queens people (besides the Florey people who are around 24/7) and chill out doing stupid things.

Oh I finally got to prod dead bodies yesterday at the anatomy prac. We basically learn everything about the limbs, and the shoulder + pelvis la, so one of my parts was like half a chest. Yeah it's not an entire dead thing, just chopped up parts, preserved of course. Though they still feel like prodding raw chicken, that kind of consistency. Quite cool, can tug at the tendons and dig into the muscle and find random things inside and can twitch the fingers and shit.

But admittedly very disturbing; the shoulder part had the person's neck and a bit of chin attached to it, and it was an old man cos there was white/grey stubble on the bit of chin.. and can stare down his open neck into the oesophagus. Of course, the boys were more interested in the pelvic/pubic region, given the immature little annoyances they are.

There, thought that was interesting enough.

Oh something else; one of my friends from ice hockey said he wanted to sleep with me. And he was oh so hot so I agreed.

.
.
.
.

Siao ah, kanna disown sial. Though I was only kidding about the second half. It was quite scary to be honest, but things are just a lot more open here. But I made it very clear that I'm not that kind of girl (i.e. a normal brit girl), and what shocked me was that he said he was totally surprised, and admitted he respects me a lot now.

How cool is that (:

The Pledge of Good Eating, and a very long post you probably will not read

2008-11-01T18:28:00.003+08:00

I, Elizabeth Yang, pledge not to eat when not hungry.

I promise to consider the consequences of indulgence,

and use it as a deterrence against emotional eating.

I will downgrade the importance of eating in life.

I will rever the art of eating as the tasting of food in small amounts.

I recognise the importance of discerning hunger from greed.

I understand that cravings can be fulfilled,

but only in the face of veritable hunger.

If I fail to adhere to the Pledge of Good Eating,

my punishment shall be severe.

I will be rotound and unbecoming of a lady,

and will waste a lot of money on clothes I cannot wear.

So help me, God.

Haha I can read this again and again and not get bored of it but I don't suppose anyone shares my preferences in things. Too bad.

It's really weird that food and fat are constantly haunting me wherever I am. And the worst thing is, I'm actually really really REALLY sick of the food here. It's all like, roast meat, potatoes, carrots, cake and more cake, cookie after cookie, muffin upon muffin, cheese and lagi more cheese. Then again the quality of this kind of food is so good here, you psychologically feel sian but eat anyway cos you're bored.

Doing things out of boredom is a bad way to live.

When i first came I couldnt imagine how people put on the fresher's 15, cos there's just so much walking everywhere. But now I realise the extent of how bad eating can exert it's very bad (and fat) effects on even the most stringent exercise, so I shall eat healthily for a few days to repent my sins.

Aside from the apparent eating disorder I have (I really dont, i just prefer not to put on weight thanks), I've really been truly blessed. More often than not I think back and realise how good God is to me, and things just go right somehow.. it's even beginning to have a desensitizing effect on me, which essentially makes me a thankless ingrate. In case anyone out there still prays for me, please pray most importantly that I count my blessings and give the glory back to God, which I very sadly have not been doing at all.

I mean like, how sad is it to give someone you love everything she could ever receive, and for the person to just hide it within herself, so that no one even knows you exist? I need to be different.

But yes. To be exact, things aren't perfectly smooth, but I've just been able to cope with stuff really well, and I'm glad for that. For one, school work is really really not easy. It might be really interesting and stimulating, but the whole content of new stuff flooding in, amidst the VERY packed timetable of lectures, tutorials and pracs seriously remind you that Oxford terms are incredibly short and extremely condensed (like chromosomes. haha)

Somehow I've just been going along with the flow, I try not to let anything I don't understand slip pass me by the end of each day, and I do my best to come up with well organised essays that I thoroughly understand and space the words out with pretty diagrams. AND, I freaking run to lectures in ten minutes (it's like from VJ to parkway) every single morning cos I keep waking up late, BUT the difference is I actually make it in time, and since it was such an effort to get there in time I try to make the best use of each lecture and absorb as much as possible.

I just hope I can maintain this, and hopefully it pays off...

It's really funny how everyone coughs like crazy in lectures, like deep throated, phlegm-filled gurgling fit of explosions all around. Constantly, and i'm not exaggerating. Like a hall of dying medics. Haha. Sometimes the lecturer just stops talking, and whips out a disinfectent spray and psss-es it around himself.

Ahh I have so many other things to tell you guys, if people actually still read this!

Well I've been learning a lot of new phrases and lingos lately, like did you know, "fit"? Hot refers to body, pretty just refers to face, and fit refers to both, plus an attractive personality. For guys and girls. And i was so flattered when someone said i was a level 8 fit!! Because I mean like, no offence to my own race, but i think chinese people are the ugliest species of human. I hope i dont get fined for this since I'm chinese myself. But come on, I did my KI independent study on this: There IS objectivity in beauty, and small slanted eyes and a very flat face just doesnt cut it. AND the culture here is so different I'd have thought that people thought that I was weird because that's how it should be. But i guess at least one person here doesnt think so haha so I was very happy about it.

As for the friends factor in life, I think I've been doing okay, and I try not to get too close to any one person, be it guy or girl. I mean, I've been associating okay, but when it comes to the crunch I dont think i know the inner workings of people here well enough to put much trust in relationships, so i'm just really glad that I have a bunch of solid singaporean friends here, which I am truly very grateful for, and I hope we stay close for as long as it takes.

But yeah, I'm somehow okay close to most people, even the "bad people" cos two of my medic friends are in the category and they apparently love corrupting me. Which is quite funny. And my group of quite good girl friends, who are the most amazing people and good christians on top of that. We just huddled together watching titanic and sobbing over M&Ms last night, it was really nice, (although there was a single guy who was trying not to laugh at everything). And then there are the random people in college that I talk to in Florey or at lunch time or when ever, and it's nice how conversation can evolve to quite deep things, like relationships and the purpose of everything.

I dont know, Oxford's my new home now. And the whole aura of it being such a WAH SO CREVER!! place has totally vanished, because every one is really just another person like me who can't believe he's earned a right to be here, and treasures it a lot. It's so nice that the entire city is mostly students (and random drunks), it's VJ spanning the entire singapore, and you do eveything with everyone, be it watching football, playing lacrosse, grocery shopping, or arguing about the best phone subscriber.

But yeah. It's the end of third week now, I'm almost half way through Michelmas term, and though I love it here, I can't wait to be back and see my pillars of support again.. (:

Do email me or leave a tag saying what you want for CHRISTMAS!!!!! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

cheers (:

There Are Very Fat Ducks

2008-10-25T23:34:00.004+08:00

Haha. Funny, I didn't intend for this picture to appear under the title, that was meant to refer to real fat ducks squiggling their poofy tail bottoms in the ponds.

These are some of the girls in my building, they keep trying to make me drunk, but remember, I don't drink.
This is the Queens' beer cellar. Not clubbing. It's a bop, themed rockstars and popdivas. In order, Scary Spice (Cat, who's my spunkiest ang moh friend 2 doors away), Lucy Liu (I'm frikkin chinese) and a random rapper (Todor, the Bulgarian who topped the world in A level accounting)

Again, this is not clubbing, this is a bop. A tribal bop. In the Queen's beer cellar where alcohol is dirt cheap but remember, I don't drink. Nor do I remember this being taken. If you look at my facebook albums, you can really see how much effort ang mohs put into dressing up for such things. I very kiam siap, just plucked some leaves, cannot waste money.

This, was taken at my last emo run at the jetty, an hour before I left home for the airport, feeling absolutely down in the dumps. It represents the ending of my old life, very aptly. (And that's why I forgot to pack my running shoes)

This, is the science area, there're usually lots of demonstrations against animal testing in Oxford labs going on, and I always take a flyer cos they look like they murder you if you don't

This, is University Parks, near the science area, where I have cross country and lacrosse (which is the awesomest sport in the entire world). The full extent of it's beauty really can't be captured in my 3.2 mp phone. There are ponds in here with the fattest ducks you can ever find.

The first autumn I've witnessed.

Okay well I have a ton of lecture notes to file up. Contrary to what facebook might portray, I am actually really bugged down with work. But it's all good so far, been doing quite alright in my essays (: Dear God please help me keep surviving.

Jia you ah! Omg I wish someone would call me now and speak some chinese!

I Tried To Think Of A Title

2008-10-22T21:15:00.003+08:00

I've just been really busy, like every minute of the day is spent doing something, be it essays or making notes or going for ice hockey, coxing, lunch, dinner, lacrosse, cross country.. it's all great fun so far.

i have absolutely no idea what to blog about, because the um, level of bloggability has decreased so much. Like previously when I was mooching around at home, like a pile of bloody shit on the floor or something would have been a bloggable topic, but now everything is as dramatic as that (well, technically) to the extent that it seems mundane to talk about. Like how people have threesomes or do marijuana.

But still, I'm all good. I might just state random things, because I'm finally free for about 2 hours, and I intend to use it for some sleep. Ice hockey at midnight too.

1. We have to wear gowns for college dinners in the great hall, but just the second dinner. There're 2 dinner times, 6.30 and 7.15, i.e. first and second sitting. The posh one is second, where someone blows a trumpet and says a prayer in Latin and there're candles and ppl serve you and you can't leave until the Dean leaves.

2. Lectures are (sometimes) really cool cos the person teaching on, say, nuclear membranes, is one of the people actually researching on the stuff now, and publish journals about it.

3. Clubbing is very boring. Music is usually terrible, and people really seem to like it, but that's just cos they're pissed drunk.

4. Some guy from a random college tried to pick me up (literally) when i was walking home one night and carry me to his room. I of course, struggled and kicked around for a bit and my friends smacked the drunk dude.

5. In short, it's a very strange place here, but I almost kind of like it. The sunrise and sunsets are simply amazing though.

6. I NEED TO EAT XIAO LONG PAOS AND TANG YUAN. NOW.

2008-10-19T07:33:00.002+08:00

Hi everyone!

Actually it feels quite silly sometimes to address people in my entries, cos most of the time people who actually come here just abuse the tagboard. Not that I mind, I actually really like to see activity everytime i pop in here and it's quite amusing trying to find out what is actually going on in the fighting.

I miss you guys so much! Like my class people and church people and everyone at home. It's not that I'm having a bad time, quite the contrary, but it's just like an entirely new life. I coud hardly imagine this possible, having to adapt so much in such a short period of time. Like, 2 days can make or break you over here.

It's all about the balance; whether you want to be known and over-guai or digustingly drunk is really up to you, and the hard part for me is getting the right measure of things. Like how not to hang around singaporean friends too much cos that makes you seem anti-social, and how not to keep going out clubbing and drinking all the time, because that is essentially what england is about.

But I've also learnt that when I make choices, people respect me for it. I can choose perfectly well not to go clubbing because I'm tired and it's not that fun anyway, and people can just say "oh alright do you need me to walk you home?" which is really what singaporean guys could learn from too.

haha.

Aside from the social adaptation, which I hope I'm coming to grips with, work has started, and I have lectures almost every day at 9 (which we do a queen's medic last-minute sprint to) and tutorials and essays and labs. But it's so far been good fun, and though my medic friends are half drunk party animals, everyone still makes sure their work gets done and we help each other out a lot which is really what you don't get in singapore. But for some of them, they just club and drink every night. I, on the other hand, spend my time doing the funner things like lacrosse, coxing for rowing, cross country and ice hockey. So we end up with approximately with the same time constraints for essay deadlines and hence a warm medic commiseration.

In short, I think I'm really happy and quite comfortable here (aside for being hypothermic when the weather freakily changes in a flash), though I'm REALLY sick of biscuits, chocolate, sandwiches and pudding on a daily basis.

All's well, but I really can't wait to see the sun and my home again. (:

I'm (unfortunately) Still Alive

2008-10-15T03:30:00.003+08:00

Hello there.

I realise I've been very much absent from the world. Understandably so, being on almost the other side of it. So what's been going on? It's just like, TOOOOOOO much to tell honestly. Basically, it was Fresher's Week that ended on saturday, then lectures started on monday. Fresher's week is like orientation, but it's so much more matured kinda, like just really getting to know EVERYONE over chat and drinks (and noisy pubs and sleazy clubs no doubt), with lots and lots of posh events and dinners in the nicest halls in, literally, the history of man.

Add to that the six million things i signed up for, like lacrosse, cheerleading, cross country, salsa/ballroom dancing, ALMOST signed up for LGBT (lesbians gays bi trans) club cos i didn't know what it was, medsoc (which is soo not vj medsoc-like: it's more of d&d than anything else).. LAWsoc (which is too cool but so crazy expensive cos of the tenthousand dinners and crap), christian union, tennis, badminton and netball.

I can't remember what else.

Well, all you need to know is that i'm pretty well settled into life here, albeit busy every single minute of the day going from here to there and meeting this and that bunch of people. I've actually made some really good angmoh friends, like the girls on my floor who are just really nice. And the medics are a cool bunch too, and everyone's just awfully smart, the brainwaves emanating here can actually cook an egg.

If you want to see what everyone and everything here looks like, do check out my facebook albums, http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=165770&id=501100555 and http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=162686&id=501100555

Cheers! Do feel free to drop me an email or something about anything and everything, cos the only person that's actually bothered to do that is iggy (bless his soul) and i feel that i've just been such a bad friend. :(

Take care back there everyone I really REALLY miss you guys and the FOOD :(

Showering Naked is NOT Fun

2008-10-07T16:39:00.005+08:00

... it is freezing here.

I've been really busy doing necessities shopping, and it's seriously like moving into a new HDB flat or something, i've been getting stuff from board pins to grilling oven to electric blanket. So in case you're somewhat interested in what it's like here, this is a snippet:

my room, The Penthouse

view from "upstairs" window

random field on the way to Queen's

Some walkway to Teddy Hall, i think

Radcliffe Camera

Graveyard flowers
The outside of my college, Queen's, where I'll have tutorials and dinners and such.

Inside

The corridors, called Cloisters

Nothing much has been happening so far, besides meeting all my friends up here, going for random events... Fresher's week starts today, and my scout (the lady that cleans my room) just popped in to pin up some stuff, and omg she is HOT. And really nice.

Everything's quite nice here, the views and the people and ang mohs are actually really nice and helpful and they all believe that I'm korean-thai who lives in Singapore which is a suburb off China. Everyone does the coolest subjects here, like physics/philo, modern languages, anthropology, history/politics, psychology/philo............... and i'm just a sad boring medic with a pet dead body, amongst the spatterings of biochemists and physicists.

I'm quite excited to start school, though it doesnt sound in the least bit fun; I finally realise why I'm getting (hopefully) a Bachelor of ARTS in Medical Sciences - everything's essay form. Which I might actually get used to.

Aside from that, my mom's leaving today, which finally leaves me well and truly alone. I miss everything at home already, where I wake up every morning scrounging the kitchen for milk and cereal/ eggs, and look forward to reading Urban in the newspaper. And my friends who i've shared so much with, and how you dont have to worry about the weather before stepping out.

I miss you guys :(

Plane food for dinner

2008-10-03T10:05:00.002+08:00

Well so here it is, the dreaded date. It was an unbearably weird morning to wake up to, like my tummy had worms of some sort doing some kind of floppy squirmy dance in the pit of it.

Had the best time of my life these last few weeks, met the best people I could ever meet, and that's just about enough memories to fill my heart to its brim, enough to last me for 2 months at least.

I don't usually bother putting song lyrics up here, cos i'm too lazy to google for it, but this one comes from memory: my favourite of all time.

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you

Across the water, across the deep blue ocean

Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams

I feel your whisper across the sea

I keep you with me in my heart

You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Lucky to have been where I have been

Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes

Waiting for a love like this

Every time we say goodbyeI wish we had one more kiss

I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Lucky to have been where I have been

Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love in every way

Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed

Lucky to be coming home someday

See you on 8th Dec. Hardly gone yeah. haha.

2008-10-01T01:52:00.002+08:00

Well I prayed about everything, like finally, and I think the only avenue for solving unsolvable problems is, God.

I mean, who else gives you so many blessings that you can hardly count them, blessings that you don't freaking deserve or even THINK of receiving, and who are you to throw it all away in a spate of moronic ingratitude?

He's the only stronghold I'll have there, when I'm well and truly on my own, and I just need to live right, and everything will fall into place. It's going to be tough to stand up for what I believe in, but I've been tested so much in these few months, I know what it's like. I might have failed, but at least I learn.

The wind, waves, sunset, sweat, tears and warmth, and an avalanche of emotional vomit, makes things seem a teeny bit brighter now. It's a whole new life I'm starting there, and I'll make pretty damn sure I don't disappoint my family and my God.

And..

I know you guys who read this will eventually stop bothering about the mundane things in my life, as we drift tens of thousands of kilometres apart. After a while, we'll have nothing whatsoever in common to talk about, no common people to bitch about/to, and just, nothing to hold us together. It's inevitable.

So.. just before that day comes, I have to say - thanks so much for taking the humongous effort in being my friend. I WILL remember my home, and you all are a huge part of it.

BUT, I'll still, hopefully, be hanging around in cyberspace i.e. msn, skype and facebook, and here, so well, try to keep in touch yeah?

This Isn't Right.

2008-09-29T23:45:00.003+08:00

I think I've hit the lowest of the low, things can't get more depressing than this. This is one of those posts where I don't care who understands what I'm saying because I just need to blab it out to myself.

Well.

Where were you ALL this time!!? I feel irrationally angry, hopeless, distraught, sunken, parched, and just ripped of all emotion that tears can't even bring themselves to form.

WHY did you have to appear now?!?!!

But then, is it better not knowing at all? I think and think and think about it, and I really don't know. It hurts too much to even consider. But, ignorance is (was) bliss? Or it probably wasn't.

I've wasted all this time. Wasted all my heart on the wrong people and the wrong things and the wrong ideals. I'm just a wreck waiting to sink into oblivion. Happiness hurts by sheer virtue of the fact that it ends.

To add to all that, how can I leave my home? My dog, my bed, my kitchen, my family, my east coast park, my bus rides, my vj, my everything?! I don't need a new life, there's absolutely nothing wrong with my current one, thank you.

Why am I the only person who's sad to leave? This isn't right.

Friday 3rd Oct T1 10.55 pm - I will be gone

2008-09-25T18:48:00.004+08:00

But, I have rightly decided to stop this emo crap, ain't very healthy. Good news, my room opens exactly on the day I arrive in Oxford, which makes it so much more convenient. I heard it's a cool loft kinda room, where the bed's like on the 2nd floor and the regular floor houses the study area, so it should be relatively huge.

So. Please come and visit me, I can shove you in the loft or something! :D Then again, it might just turn out to be a dingy little rat hole coated with layers of dried up puke from different drunkards. I will inform you in a week's time.

And, sorry for the vagueness, but I've only just managed to bring myself to confirm the departure details:

Passenger(s): MISS ELIZABETH YANG

Flight number: BA0012

From: Singapore Terminal 1

To: Heathrow (London)

Depart: 3 Oct 2008 22:55

Arrive: 4 Oct 2008 05:15

Operated by: British Airways

So yeah I really hope to see some familar faces there, especially the people I have very regretably pangseh-ed for a variety of reasons. :( you have no idea how sorry I am.

Gosh I wonder if I want to see the people I'll miss the most. It brings on the whole emo thing to a whole new level. Then again, I might be pining on the plane otherwise, so either way it's not going to be pretty.

Be warned. Haha.

Well, I've decided in advance that I'd really hate Brit food, so I have subconsciously decided on some sort of menu for myself, since I will have to resort to cooking.

1. Toasted Fish with Chilli

I am going to get a toaster from there. This actually really works when you stuff the dead fish with chilli (I shall bring a huge bottle from home), wrap in foil and just toast! Again, I will tell you the outcome in a week.

2. Steamboat

in the rice cooker. It might work, just like get some meats from the market and some cabbage of sorts, add water, and STEAM!

3. Rice

.. in the rice cooker. Well.

4. Eggs

.. in the rice cooker. I can see where this is going. But Su-e my beloved mother has declared that it is possible to fry an egg in it. I shall try to do my usual smashed up eggs with sliced onions and garlic.

5. -

[sorry this has to end abruptly, but i just realise that some rat has scrambled over my thighs to get at the chocolates sitting on my right. crawl up the freaking wall you gross fat squeaker! urgh.

also, I cannot think of anything else that can be done with a toaster and a rice cooker, other than my succumbing to horrid fatty food that I need to wear a GOWN to consume in. HELP]

Recap:

2008-09-22T16:36:00.004+08:00

Pledge of Good Eating

I, Elizabeth Yang, pledge not to eat when not hungry.

I promise to consider the consequences of indulgence,

and use it as a deterrence against emotional eating.

I will downgrade the importance of eating in life.

I will rever the art of eating as the tasting of food in small amounts.

I recognise the importance of discerning hunger from greed.

I understand that cravings can be fulfilled,

but only in the face of veritable hunger.

If I fail to adhere to the Pledge of Good Eating,

my punishment shall be severe.

I will be rotound and unbecoming of a lady,

and will waste a lot of money on clothes I cannot wear.

So help me, God.

Good platform for reminders. In a few weeks, you shall see some cells and whatntos up here. I mean, it's all in line with the new BusyAndPoor regime.

It seems so strange that so much feeling can be felt in such a short period of time. It's either very very very stupid, or ultimately genuine and insanely sweet. Either way, I'm embarrassingly flattered and somewhat guilty, I am, after all, Very undeserving.

Though, it might do very well to have a trusty stronghold here at home... This is what adds to all the warmth amidst the rainy cold during Christmas, and the only thing that makes it easier to leave is the fact that I'll be back, very soon, with lots to look forward to. Aw there's a little fire glowing in the pit of my (squishy) tummy. (:

Tell me if you want acorns and squirrels from UK for Christmas!

P.S. - I have just put a pair of jeans into my Manchester United luggage, (I know what you're thinking - but for once, I choose to be loyal) thus, I HAVE STARTED PACKING. It is a milestone, considering my low C.G. and abnormal levels of inertia.

MUST I PACK?!?!?!? :(

2008-09-19T11:19:00.004+08:00

It's the time of my life now. Actually, it kind of feels like I have brain cancer and the doctor told me I have 2 weeks to live, and right now I'm in those precious two weeks, living up as much life there is to live.

In short, wah shit I really do not feel like leaving now. How on earth am I supposed to suddenly stop playing, activate my brain instantly, get used to horrific lectures, tutorials and dead bodies, avoid the whole new pubbing/clubbing culture, hope my singapolean assen can be relatively understood, wash my own clothes, clean my own room, try not to put on weight in the land of oil and potatoes, and basically translocate 67808765467324668 miles in TWO WEEKS?! At least I think it's two weeks; I'm not bringing myself to count the days.

Night cycling was lovely and scenic and remotely scary, sentosa volleyball was, um, hotter (heh) this time round, and all the meetups have been absolutely lovely, even dinner dates with my lao hiao dad.

Sigh. You're gonna see a lot of stupid pointless angsty posts. I swear it's a fifth-life crisis.

Aside from that, I've been awesomely comforted lately. (: I'm just really relieved that I'm not the only one who feels _____ly annoyed. It's just proves that I'm a sucker for company and commiseration.